FROM SAWAH, TO THE WORLD: VOLUME III

Open Letter to the Boys I’ve Met Recently

Dear Guys,
Here’s the thing. You really—quite blazingly, actually—keep blowing your chances. It’s actually unbelievable to me, because of how simple it is, how little effort on your part it would require to sleep with me. Not just sleep with me, I might add: take my virginity.
I know—it’s a draw, right? One would think. Apparently not. At least, not without my expressly saying: “Hey—wanna sleep with a virgin?”
This is the thing: I would like to lose my virginity while I’m still 18 (by early May) for purely personal and rather silly reasons. However, I don’t want to just sleep with any random person—it wouldn’t be a good example to set for my future children (whom, by the way, I in no way plan on having with you). I’d like to be able to tell them I was in a relationship, if not in love. On the other hand, I don’t need to be in love, and seeing as I’m in a bit of a time crunch, I don’t imagine I will be. And that’s fine, too.
But there is an aspect to it’s that quite important—I need to respect myself in the morning. Which means that I need to experience some semblance of a relationship—which is where you come in.
This is what I need from you: I need you, at the end of the first time we meet, to ask me for my phone number. I need you to call me within three (3) days, and I need you (with me) to set up some sort of date-like thing for the following weekend. We will go on this date, and I—in order to not seem like a slut—will not do more than kiss you at the end of this date. Although this kiss can last for a while. Depending. But things will progress accordingly, and, if you return my calls in a timely fashion, maintain a good level of personal hygiene, and avoid playing excessive mind games (very mild mind games can be hot), I will sleep with you (you! My first! I’ll remember you forever!) within one (1) month—and probably before that. I do not need any of the following: expensive dinners, “creative” dates, endless compliments, declarations of love. Sounds good, no?
The amusing thing is that everyone will agree that I’m not asking for a lot. However, the last two Yale boys I’ve been interested in have flunked out early on. One neglected to ask for my phone number (silly boy—I’m sure he’s kicking himself now), and the other has neglected to call within the standard three day interval since the first coffee date. He has a few more days before he’s entirely too late, but already, he has a strike against him (unless he comes up with a really great excuse) that will require the lengthening of the schedule. If only he knew how close he was!
I’m not going to give you my name or phone number, because A) I will get a number of skeevy phone calls, and B) an integral part of the plan is that you not realize that this is indeed my plan, because then you would think of me as a slut. So here’s my advice: just to be safe, treat every girl you meet as if she might be me—with respect, interest, and general coolness. Because she might be me—and sleep with you.
Did I mention that I’m beautiful?

See you soon,
A freshman virgin

To All Asians, Everywhere

this weekend, i discovered the beauties of Zantac 75 and Pepcid AC, both of which get rid of the azn flush.

"what?" you asked. "i don't believe it! not the AZN flush."

yes, my friends, it is true...i have gotten rid of the azn flush, and the discomfort that comes with it.

"what is the AZN flush?" you ask.

the azn flush occurs because i, like other asians, have a defective gene. apparently, while it makes my race smarter, it also breaks down alcohol in one, huge, bottle-necked flush...hence the asian flush, and hence my face turning read and me feeling hotter, hornier and prettier than ever. "normal" people deal with the alcohol little by little. it is because of the discomfort of the azn flush that there are less azn alcoholics, except for my mother, my father, and my teenage son.

anyway, since this discovery, i pounded shouts in the mouth and up the A like no other...and didn't turn read...did turn really fucking retarded, and ultimately, went to bed crawling into it, and sleeping in my contacts without brushing my teeth.

my drunkeness on friday included: stealing a bottle of smirnoff apple twist from a party...then stealing a bottle of bacardi limon, and running around making my friends and people who i know take shots from it...dancing like a wild man in the god quad...making people hug trees...smoking a cig...calling it a night...and passing out

my drunkeness on saturday included: pouding shots in crrristos's place upstairs after showing face at albo's b-day party; it was funny because the skyy vodka berries that i was drinking was stolen from the same party the previous night...smoking in the bathroom...chillin in a hallway...SNEAKING INTO TOADS, THE MOST TRASHIEST/CLASSIEST CLUB EVER!!...and "chasing the dragon" with $ upstairs...and crawling into someone else's bed...and later on, my own bed.

for ligit info, my cousin from dartmouth and her friend from wesleyan came by. it was good to see them. i did have to turn down a trip to NYC to see "I am my own wife" on broadway, and go to the actor's loft in the upper east side afterward where refreshments would be served...and the chance to go shopping with my roomie, SportsCenter, and his buds...but, it was well worth it when Pheesh and her friend appreciated Yale and the gloriousness that it is.

*sigh of relief*

as far as being wal-mart goes, i signed with some developers, and there should be at least 2 new wal-mart chains built on the plot of lower manhattan. i came up with new, classier, wal-mart chains called: sam's marketplace (where groceries would be sold), sam's (where urban living goods would be sold bulk and wholesale), and sam's minimart (where convenience services/items and pharmaceuticals would be sold)...all of which would have goods sold at wal-mart great everyday low prices. "Always low prices. Always." that's our motto!!

shout out to Sportscenter, who is studiously studying for a midterm and writing a paper...and for reminding Juvey and me of cell development after the sperm and egg meet, and moving that memory of information from the depths of our minds to our permament memory by asking us questions on reproduction.

i had din din tonite with Mel D...which was nice. 'twas nice to catch up on sheeeat.

went to Mafia...or, what i like to call Mo'fia. i was killed twice and won only once...still, however, i was never mafia.

wah.

next time...who do i have to sleep with around here?

This milkshake, i guarantee, will bring your boys to the yard.

IT'S MILKSHAKE TIME!

O wouldn't it, be loverly...

So. it's 2 o'clock in the morning.

I have been e-mailing people like a BITCH telling them to invest in Wal-Mart. Hopefully, i'll be rollin in the hypotethical dough by next week.

The ploy: "Wal-Mart in Manhattan". It will the first of it's kind. It will be fresh, innovative and attractive. It will cut those "white trash" "lower class" ties.

It will be Wal-Mart in Manhattan, an entity on its own.

Anyway, i thought i finished all my work early, but apparently not.

I came home from class, finished my Math problem set, napped, ate dinner in Saybrook (it might have been the worst dinner i have ever eaten...EVER...cream of butternut squash soup? ew...) anyway, i came back home, played some yahoo games, went to X-tian's to watch the OC...went to Branford for the Housing committee meeting...dropped by Gourmet Heaven for some late night snackums, watched "Family Guy" with Ollie, Stef and Ryan K...went back to my room, called my mom and finished my chinese homework, e-mailed some Wal-Mart notices...and before i know it, it's already 2:00 in the morning, and i'm one more day into my 9th trimester.

where did my youth go?

i think i have lung cancer or something. something hurts in my chest when i cough. is it herpes? maybe asthma? maybe leukemia or pneumonia...or is it an underdeveloped fetus?

only time will tell.

PHEESH, my cousin from B'ham, is coming over to Yale!! it's gonna be party city! (well, as much partying as you can do being family members...which is pretty much everything but sex. hehehe.)

anyway, imma gonna go try and zzz. pop a couple pills and i'll be out like an poached elephant in the jungle.

Battling Depression: You can find help

So, for Study of the City, i play the role of the unfamiliar bigbox chain, Wal-Mart (have you heard of it? most people haven't. *weird*).

anyway, there are development teams that are supposed to contact the retailers.

i was never contacted.

and, because of this, i may not even get to participate in this simulation game.

i'm sad. i took it personally. no one thought i was cool enough as a person to e-mail Wal-Mart...Wal-Mart was only ranked No. 1 as Fortune's Most Admirable Company...and I was only ranked No. 1 as "Best Eater" in 4th Grade.

weather is getting better. school isn't too bad right now, even though i know the shit is about to hit the fan with the paper due and all that jazz.

last nite (probably not the best of decisions), i decided to "trail off" from my work a bit, and take a "break"...which ended up making me eat lots of noodles (that i felt were growing in my throat and choking me) and sleep without brushing my teeth.

i took a shower today!! it's so weird in college...back in HS, if i didn't take a shower in the morning, i would feel subconscious...i was also worried that people might be able to tell through my sweater that i was pregnant with Mr. Lawson's child. that's beside the point...now, i take a shower like ever other saturday, and (though i am mildly self conscious about it) i don't really care.

plus, it's a good excuse for why no one hits on me. it's because i didn't shower...right~

still in recovery

yes...i am still recovering from the SARS that i contracted in Albuquerque. Sucks that my only time spent at home was in a bed sleeping...

actually, come to think of it, i'd rather be doing that than school work.

so school is back up and running...and FUCK YALE on the FUCKING UPPER EAST COAST. i went to weather.com to take a little peekaboo at the weather, hoping it would be time for me to break out my pink camisole and green miniskirt...but no, the numbers did not lie: 28

yes. as in 28 degrees farenheit...in FUCKING LATE MARCH.

i was walking to class, and as my nipples chaffed against my t-shirt, and my face froze from lack of moisture, and my nose began to run, and my herpes began to puss, i told myself "it's just me. it's really not that cold outside. it is just me. i am the only one that is cold because i have no body fat, and because i didn't wear enough clothing." i was a fool to lie to myself like that...because there was snow still surrounding the trees and icicles forming from on my ears. i hate the north. besides New York City, it really has nothing to hang on to.

yesterday, i was invited by Darien/Tyrone/Black Beast to play a game of motastic Mofia in the branford common room. needless to say, it is a bit of a challenge to play mofia with a bunch of mo/ho yalies, but it proved to be a relatively fun game. i enjoyed it. however, i must admit it was not as fun as "dip dip"...dip dip dip dip...dippity dippity dippity dip...etc...

i am going to go sleep because i am a fat, sad, angry, mad person, and sleeping is the only activity that makes me feel better about my lowly self. good bye, all.

...boy you said you gotta girl, yeeea it's true you gotta man...

so. i'm back. back up and in action at Yale Universitayyyy.

i don't know whether to be excited or mortally depressed. i shall choose the latter.

why does my school suck so much? why? I HAAAATE it HERE!!

haha. just kidding. nah. i'm glad to be back. it's just that it's white outside...whiter than neenee's left thigh...because they got snow up here. damn yankees! anywhoo, i'm both mildly excited and scared (much of the same feelings i had when Father John did that thing to me...) of the school year getting started again. partially because:
A) April 16 Multivariable Calculus midtern
B) April 20 10-page paper on Nashville written
C) April 22 Mine-deactivating robot due

so, my ass is going to be raped multiple times until school gets out...but once it's all said and *done*, i'll be smooth sailin' into summer vacay!...which will include a trip to San Francisco, a summer lab job at Vanderbilt, a blow job from Seniorita Rosario, and a trip to Tibet...(not Tibet, Idaho. the actual cuntry). what more could a young girl ask for? (besides a rim job from Maury Povich and a million bucks from Mr. Watanabe...)

ANNA NICOLE IS SKINNIER AND MORE AMAZING THAN EVER!

HERE'S what an online questionnaire has to say about me:

"Huh?" The Billy Goat
Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer (DBSDm)


Horny. Stubborn. Kinda cute. Slightly immature. And often found on rough terrain. You are The Billy Goat.

You're lusty, but typically monogamous, and all in all you're a pretty good boyfriend. In fact, you enjoy relationships, if mostly for the sex and physical companionship. You'd do or say almost anything to get together with someone, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

You're sensitive, you have a certain boyish charm, and you're eager. Therefore you probably attract guys who are serious about romance. But few who get close to you realize how unready for total commitment you are. People fall for you. Meanwhile, you maintain your emotional distance, and there goes another box of tissues.

You're perfectly capable of a long-haul relationship, but, right now, dating someone primarily means having a consistent, available, preferably not-too-chatty, hookup. You're a careful, methodical person, and you work hard at making things work. It's just that the type of man most likely to find your strengths endearing is also the most likely type to find your shortcomings heartbreaking. Someone with a similarly laid-back approach to dating would be perfect for you.

Your exact opposite:
The Loverboy

Random Gentle Love Master

ALWAYS AVOID: The Mixed Messenger, The Slow Dancer, The Manchild

CONSIDER: The Playboy

a blast from the past: 03.11.04

Well, back at the airport again. Waiting for my flight from DFW to BNA…Nash Vegas, baby!—“wha—what!” any who, I am super duper excited to go back home and sleep and chill out with my dog chip and do some lines.

A few things I have learned from this trip about New Mexico:
1) it can hardly be considered a state
2) all of New Mexico is either Albuquerque or Santa Fe
3) Santa Fe looks a LOT cooler on TV than it does in real life

I am really glad that I came though…in more ways than one. I had an awesome time with N8 and Kate Spade, and it was definitely quite the experience to, well, experience New Mexico and all the wonders than make it this “Nouveau Me-Hee-Ko” if you will. Maybe the state would be cooler if people lived in it and there was stuff to do.

Last night at dinner, Kate Spade pointed out something quite profound:

When you are talking and you are trying to “quote” something, you lift up your two hands in the air, make a pair of bunny ears, and your move your fingers in order to form these metaphorical “quotes,” right? Well, when I talk, I usually quote my fingers at the beginning of my sentence/set of words/word and at the end. For example:

“At Yale, our so-called *quoting fingers* midterms *quoting fingers* are hardly midterms, since we have two of them per semester.”

Makes sense, right?

Other people will quote their fingers every syllable…which is visually more grammatically incorrect than quoting your fingers at the beginning and end of your word or set of words…but, if you think about it, you really only need to quote your fingers ONCE. Yes, ONCE. Each of your hands is one set of quotes, and when you do them together, you are already doing a full set of quotations. I, naively, did two sets which would, ergo, become 4 quotes, and the visual grammar of my sentence becomes:

“At Yale, our so called ““midterms”” are hardly midterms, since we have two of them per semester.”

What is written above is downright tacky and wrong!

So…if you are going to use the “finger quote” method, either:
A) do one set per quoted word and/or line
B) quote with your right hand at the beginning of the word/line, and quote with your left at the end

The following rules, I think you will notice, will increase your regard for American Visual Grammar, and will therefore make you a better, classier person, without the botox and/or plastic surgery.

Was that not the most profoundest thing ever? Kate Spade is so smart.

Anyway, an unnaturally large portion of last night was spent with me and n8, online and connected by the same server at the same time simultaneously instant messaging Norwalk, while I listened to Kate Spade’s drama and eventually made her PowerPoint presentation for work more exciting and visually stimulating.

(by the way, Microsoft Word is really anal about its products. I just spelled *finger quotes* powerpoint and Word made a red squiggly line under it and made me change it to *right hand finger quote* PowerPoint *left hand finger quote*. If that isn’t anal, I don’t know what is…well, besides Norwalk, of course.

I am getting my haircut on Saturday, not that you really cared or anything, but I am getting one. Yay!

The Lizzie McGuire Movie

ok. it isn't bad...persay...but not on my top ten.

it's on n8's top ten, though. what does that say about his taste in movies?

anyway...so, today...went to santa fe...took lots of pictures...gave car head...went out to eat at "Zio's"...

...talked about Kate Spade about life...

...after a while, alligator...

ok. yesterday was chill. i just stayed in with n8 and ran some errands, which included waited like 4 hours for n8 to get his poor-wittle-ankwle bandaged up.

TWO FUNNY STORIES OF THE DAY:

NUMERO UNO

The first occurred at "Cottonwood Mall", which can hardly be considered a mall. anyhow, we drop in and take a look at "The Buckle", which is pretty much "Buckle" for native Nashvillians. so...this guy, who introduced himself and said he was a texas native, asked us what school we went to. here is the discourse that occured:

Texas Dude: So what school ya'll go to?
N8: Yale
Texas Dude: oo...cool...i knew some guy who went to Yale...gosh~ i can't remember his name...but yeah...he went to yale or stanford or some place around that area.

*AND SCENE*

need i say more...? NEED I SAY MORE? in his estimation of the distance between Yale and Stanford, he must have rounded to the nearest continent. in that case, "yale and stanford" can be considered "the same area."

but...in his defense...maybe he said "Stamford." it's a possibility.


NUMERO TWO

so...this next occurrence occurs in "Raley's", which is a poor poor excuse for a grocery store. so, we are looking for pizza sauce to make lil' mini pizza's with pita bread and cheese. apparently, they don't have pita bread in New Mexico...which is why it was a total SHIT SHOW to find any. jeeesus. anywho, as we are looking, we are approached by this blonde woman in her mind 20s wearing a sky blue blouse and black pants. here is the discourse that occurred...i SHIT YOU NOT.

*woman approaches n8*
Blonde: Hi! i hope you don't mind. you boys look like you know a lot about pasta. do you know how to make fettucini alfredo?
N8: (mildly taken aback by the question) ...excuse me?
Blonde: o...sorry...excuse my accent. you see, i'm not from around these parts...
N8:o. that's fine...well, um...there are some sauces in cans you can buy (n8 points at the row of bottled alfredo sauces).
Me: or do you mean like the sauce...? do you want to know how to make a sauce?
Blonde: o! yeah- the bottle will be fine. now what about the pasta?
N8: (N8 leads her to the pasta section) it should be here.
Blonde: what kind of pasta should i use?
N8: umm...fettucinni...? (Raley's was out of Fettucini so N8 handed her linguini instead)
Blonde:...now how do i cook this?
N8: (N8 is taken aback by another profound question)...well, you boil some water, and put the pasta in for about 15 minutes.
Blonde: o! thanks so much. by the way, my name is Julie. (she introduces a hand to shake) sorry...(she points at a rip in her shirt)...i ripped my shirt coming out of the car...sorry about that!
N8: ...ok...my name is N8.
Blonde: are you from around here?
N8: o~ no. i'm from So Cal. howabout you?
Blonde: i'm from Lubbock, TX.
N8: o really? what part?
Blonde: it was a long time ago...i don't really remember...somewhere around Denver City.

*SOMEHOW THIS STRANGE BANTER ENDS, AND SCENE*

a few strange things about this blonde chic:
1) she apologized for her accent b/c she wasn't from "around these parts." but we are in New Mexico, and she is from Texas.
2) who apologizes for a rip in their shirt?
3) who doesn't know how to cook pasta?
4) who doesn't remember what part of Lubbock they are from?

ANYWAY, needless to say, it was an interesting conversation...one that i will keep forever in my heart.

...my take on "Winged Migration"...

So, last night, after writing in my blog, i finished watching "Winged Migration", which was a truly spectacular experience. birds rock! that's all i gotta say.

go out and rent it, now!...or at least rent a good porn for the kids.

...sippin' on gin and juice...

today was a wonderfully spent day. n8 and i woke up naked in the bed together around 9:45 am (and by "naked", i mean "fully clothed") and got an early start on our day. i drank a sprite for b-fast, and had one of those really scary burps where all the CO2 is being burped out all and it aggravates your nasal passage and makes you tear a bit. we went to some shitty ass grocery store called "Haley's" or "Sarey's" or something like that, where we bought some lube, water, sandwiches, voodoo dolls, gatorade, and potato chips. the sandwich i ate was disgusting, so i trashed it and just "Nouriche-d" myself with Yoplait's strawberry/banana Nouriche just so i could get some Nouriche-ment for the day.

we were off like a prom dress to Santa fe. as we are driving north (or south...i don't really know), i am in awe of how plain new mexico is. while the mountain scapes are kinda pretty but not really...it is one boring fucking place. it makes me thankful for nashville. anywho, we made it to Ski Santa Fe in a good hour and a half, and the drive up the mountain was gorgeous. the ski lodge wasn't crowded at all, so we got a lot of good runs...better than having "the runs"...until N8 hurt his poor baby-doll knee, and we stopped skiing. it was all good though, i was exhuasted anyway. i took one run by myself (after n8 decided to sit out) and did my own little adventure path, which was nice...i was very "independant (wo)man! throw your hands back at me!"

the best part of the ski-escapade was trying this little path marked as a blue diamond, known as "Thunderbird," because thunderbird was, in fact, A FUCKING BLACK-DIAMON-WANNABE. IT WAS ALL MOGULS AND FUCKING SCARY STEEP SHIT. i, of course, could handle it slowly...like being fisted...but i could handle it. N8 had to take it SUPERBLY slow, since he was on a snowboard and has defunct knees, so i'd like to say that about 5 hours of our 4 hour trip was spend on that hill.

after skiing, we looked around Santa Fe...it's very Native American adobe architecture...the city square with all the fun querky shops and art galleries and old churches were really really pretty...and we are going back later (WHEN WE HAVE A CAMERA) to take pictures and tour around and shit. it was stupid of us not to bring a camera...so i wanted to come back so i could document Santa Fe, and prove to people that i actually went for my ego's sake. (all the native american stuff made me hate america...the reservations...casinos...and memorials of drunken-driving deaths makes me hate the imperialistic white man. you took their land, you bastards...and ruined their lives. CHEROKEE PEOPLE....CHEROKEE PRIDE...SO PROUD TO LIVE...SO PROUD TO DIE!!"

...after Santa Fe, we returned our skis from the rental shop, which was about a 45 minute detour, but it was good because my total for renting skis and boots for 2 days was only 19 dollars. TAKE THAT!!! and because it was around 6 when we were leaving the ski place (and, ergo, bad traffic), Kate Spade recommended that we just eat somewhere around the area...so we ate at this place called "Flying Star" where i had this amazing "ABC Avacado Bacon Cum/Cheddar" burger that i literally inhaled like a line of coke. *sigh of relief* and i still have a slice of peach and raspberry pie waiting for me to eat it out.

we rented "Winged Migration", too, on the way back...in addition to the "Lizzy McGuire Movie" (yes. i did just type that. it was his idea, i swear). i popped in Winged Migration after my shower, and fell asleep...it's this amazing documentation of birds migratings...sounds dumb, i know, but the footage is much better than any money shot i have ever seen...i recommend it. i plan on finishing the rest of the movie in a bit.

i realized today that i have reached this level of transcendental prurience (if you don't know what it is, look it up). because i have been so depraved this 18 years, particular foods and objects have become these sexual vassals through which my prurience is expressed. here are some examples: avacados, britney's toxic, blood oranges, certain potato chips, really good grilled cheese...anyway, random, i know...

i should best be off...there is a naked orgy waiting for my arrival...

ski bunnies!!

okok...so today, kate spade, n8 and i all made a big ol' trek to "Sandia Peaks" for skiing. it's about 30 mins away from where Kate Spade lives, so we thought we'd go there before we drove from here (Albuquerque) to Ski Santa Fe to warm up to the slopes. (Yes, my friends, there is, in fact, skiing in New Mexico). anyway, we picked up some food and hit the slopes...too bad the slopes were practically closed because they were out of skis...

...so we called up a couple of places, found this little shop and rented skiis (for MUCH cheaper might i add)...drove back to Sandia Peaks, and were up on the mountain by 1...we got a good 3 hours in of skiing, which totalled in about four 10-15 minute runs. which is MUCH better than "Perfect North" aka "Un-perfect North," which was an Indiana ski resort with a max heighth of 10 feet and a base of 3 meters...

good story: we're on our first run, and decide to take a nice little green-green-blue trail, to get acclimated. Kate Spade leads the way, and we end up in BUMFUCK...i'm talking absolution bumfuck, where the snow has not been touched and we are sinking in it because it isn't (fudge) packed well enough and realize as we make our way down that this "green green blue" trail we attempted was, in fact, a "blue black black" after we were done...kate and her good directional skills--like a pigeon i tell ya! anywhoo, it was a good acclimation for me, since i was really scared that i had forgotten how to ski.

what i did realize, however, was HOW FUCKING SCARY SKIING REALLY IS. you should be forced to sign liability waivers before you head up that thing...it gets fucking SCARY. (n8 made some 6 year old ski-learner eat her shit when he ran into her...haha).

so after skiing, i got to eat at "Taco Cabana" for the first time. interesting experience. not as good as some of my other first times...like learning to ride a bike...and eating scorpion...and murdering my ex-husband's daughter's ex-lover.

we made our way back to kate's house, cleaned ourselves up (n8 is one stinky ass mofo), and rented "SPELLBOUND"....LOL...it was the best movie EVER. absolutley riveting. i dont' think i have ever felt more bad for a group of people and their interests than when i watched this movie. these kids were brutally honest and the documentary was fucking hilarious. here are some scenes:

SCENE 1:
One of the documented contestants, talking about her parents in a scene with her and her parents eating lunch outside: "my dad and my mom remind me of archie and edith bunker, because archie is always getting mad at edith for being stupid." as soon as this quote ends, the mom looks shockingly at her offspring.

SCENE 2:
Proctor: Wee-del or Hwee-del.
Contestant: hwee-del?
Proctor: yes. wee-del or hwee-del.
Contestant: what is the origin of this word...?
Proctor: it is of unknown origin.
**to put you at peace, the kid ended up getting the question right, and the word was spelled Wheedle.**

SCENE 3:
a proud black mama talking about how her daughter doesn't get enough attention for being DC's National Spelling Bee representative. let's just say, she was an interesting lady, and practically spoke her own language.
BG: my baby don't ask fo' much. but ain't no body publicitazicing her. i ain't trying to be pestimistic. in fact, i gonna be optimistic.

anyway, i am really fucking tired, and i am about to drop like a rock.

night.

From March 6, 2004

so I’m chillin here in the airport waiting for my chariot to arrive.

It’s gonna be a bitch getting from here to Dallas, Ft. Worth, considering the fact that I’m going to be on the flight for 4 hours and 06 mins. I’m flying AA (…when I usually fly Southwest…and if you read a particular previous passage, you will know why…) and the AA terminal in the Bradley International Airport blows. There is no food court; only a kiosk of popcorn, dildos and soda. Ugh. I’m ready just to be somewhere.

Last night was pretty “chall” (…there’s my shout out to The Biz). It started with me getting out of class after running a whole bunch of errands, smokin’ and dopin’ and completely passing out in the afternoon. I had to wake up though, cus I was meeting with Bookie at Yorkside, where we talked about our fervent passions, deepest desires, and impotent arabs (…I know I know, he’s not arab…). Anywho, dinner went well until she had to ditch for a booty call, after which I went back to my home at Vandy, and played a little poker with C-dog, Adobe and Froggy. We put up a whole lot of fucking money, and by “a whole lot of fucking money,” I really mean “1 dollar.” It came down to me versus Adobe, mano e womano, but I ultimately lost because, hey!, it’s a fucking dollar. Who cares.

Went back to my room, did a little laundry, and did a little packity packin. When I was doing laundry, I had to use two machines. One was about 10 mins ahead of the other, so I put my colors into the dryer, and waited 10 minutes for the whites to finish up washing so I could dry them all together. So I left the room, and when I come back, some dumb bitch took my shit out from the dryer, and moved it on top of a washer. I was hella pissed, but I let her do her shit…

…let’s just say, that bitch got what she deserved for putting me back 20 minutes by taking my dryer (since I had to wait for another one to open up). First, I dumped a little bit of laundry detergent in her dryer…then probably 5 handfuls of dust coagulations I could find on the floor…and then some other person’s dirty clear thong…and a chocolate m&m. MWHAHAHAHAHAH!! Take that, ya bitch! Take that!!!

needless to say, I felt really bad when she was going through her dryer as I was waiting for my stuff to finish up, and she was picking off all the dust and threw away the random thong with her two first fingers. Hehehe.

Random occurrence: while waiting for our laundry, we went to the Branford comp lab and looked up porn, while some girl behind us had these uber-hiccups for an hour…but since she was trying to restrain them, it sounded like she was choking on her tongue. It was the weirdest noise ever! Like a crossbreed between a gulp and a cough and some semen.

It was good to stay in…you always need a chill night here and there, and because I was leaving the next day, I didn’t want to get to wild and drunk and hung over and black out and pass out and not remember who I was with or what I did when I wake up naked in my roommate’s bed covered in someone else’s urine.
Can you believe it though? Freshman year…done…just like that. ZILCH! Soon, I’ll be a sophomore…how fucked up is that? only one year closer to world domination…mwahaha…

Here’s a poem written by a talented and gifted 5th grader:

“Packing a Musket” by Jerri Blank

When you work from your home and Johns call on the phone,
You’re a call girl.
When you walk with a limp and give a cut to a pimp,
You’re a street whore.
When they’re beggin’ you please to get down on your knees near their groinage,
‘scusa me, but you see, don’t you touch where they pee without coinage.
When I straddle a squat to show you my…

...lonely...i'm mister lonely...

yes. i am. i have officially changed my surname to "Joe Lonely". i figure it has many benefits:
1) it is easier to spell
2) it is phonetically easier to pronounce
3) it is easier to bubble in on test sheets
4) it is an adverb

anyway, i'm tired of being lonely. and not lonely in that sense...like "i have no friends. i'm lonely." lonely...as in, where the fuck is my rock!? i want a rock to hang on to...and someone that will hang on me, too. it'll be mutual...i swear. i'm a reliable guy.

where's my boo? where are you, boo? where are you??

ok. i'm a low maintainance kinda guy, i don't need to have my grapes or my cherries peeled, like some people (*cough* chrrristos...). anyway, someone, take me away. i promise i won't bite, unless you ask me to.

i'm a good guy. you have my word.

anyway, on a day's activities note:

had a little lunchie lunch with mattack...talked about life, dreams, hopes, fears, and the duke's men.

i watched secretary...didn't really like it. it was a bit too kinky for me; it's about this girl who cuts herself, and then gets a job as a secretary, and her boss gets kinky with her and makes her stop cutting herself. *weird*

took a nap...ate a little pussy...and a little lunch at the Law School! had a good little din din with JenP from Harvest, which was good. we got to catch up a bit, and i learned that there is such a thing as "British Sign Language." we also broke the bottom of a salt shaker with a dime, and left it there, hoping someone would find a sweet sweet suprise...mwahah!

can you believe it? freshman year...gone...like that! into thin air! what the fuck, man? what the fuck?

anywhoo, watched Will and Grace and The Apprentice with Xtian, the Kutinator, Pony (Xtian's roomy), and also watched a little Strangers With Candy...my total fave Comedy Central sitcom of all times. if only i could one day become Jerri Blank...i can dare to dream, can i not?

why am i awake? i should be going to bed. fuck me. i'm lame. good night.

...only one more school day left...

ONLY ONE MORE SCHOOL DAY BEFORE SPRING BREAK...woo hoo!!

i have lab today from 2:30 to 5:30, but i'm gonna skip it b/c i'm a rebel, dammit! i'm a goddamn rebel!

today, the Law School Dining Hall got new flavored Odwalla, which was mildly titillating. the new flavour: apple, orange, carrot...i can't wait to taste it. if i'm lucky, it'll be yummier than that vagina pizza from berkeley...you know...the pizza blanca with bread, white sauce, oysters and red onions...can you taste it now? very vagina, huh?

anyway...i'm just glad that as each day passes by, i am one day closer to spring break. *sigh of relief as bowel passes*

these panties are gonna need some ironing...

...cus someone's twisted them into a wad! i am one pissed off bitch:

Case I
so, as you may well know, i am going skiing this weekend, and would, ergo, need ski wear. thus, last week, i ordered my ski pants and ski jacket from fogdogsports.com; i received the package today, excitedly opened the box, and pulled out my new jacket...(yea!)...and then pulled out my new toddler sized ski-bib...(huh?)...yes, you heard it.

i am little...but not that little. fucking fogbitchsports mailed me the COMPLETELY INCORRECT product. it wasn't like they were the wrong size or color, they were just PLAIN FUCKING WRONG...

so i called, and dude was like "yeah. sorry. you'll have to mail those back to us, we'll credit you, and you'll have to reorder the pants." i asked if they would pay for overnight shipping since they were the ones that fucked up...and he said "no." douche bag also said that the pants probably wouldn't even get here by saturday even if they were overnighted. i bitched at him saying "i know not another company that could fuck something up as badly as you have. this is fucked up you fucking fucked up fuckers. fuck you." of course, instead of "fuck" i used more colloqial/polite terms like "cunt" and "dipshit". long story short, they went out of stock of the pants i ordered anyway, so i couldn't get them even if i wanted them.

FUCK YOU, FAGBITCH SPORTS.

HEED MY WARNING...ALL YE. NEVER ORDER FROM FOGDOGSPORTS. LIKE MANY THINGS, INCLUDING VEGGIE BURGERS AND COMMUNISM, "IT IS A GOOD IDEA, BUT A BAD REALITY." DON'T SUFFER THE SAME FATE I SO NAIVELY FOLLOWED.

Case 2
So i find out today, 3 days before leaving for Albuquerque, that N8 is no longer flying on the same flight with me on saturday...which is not a big deal whatsoever. i've flown longer flights alone, and i know how to get to the airport. here's what pisses me off: money was spent and frequent flyer miles were used to book me the same flight as him. now that is he no longer flying on that plane with me, the money's been wasted...on top of that, if i had known about this change even a couple weeks earlier, i could've refunded the credit, and booked a cheap $99 southwest fare. i feel bad now for wasting the parentals frequent flyer miles for New Mexico...when they could've been used on more expensive flights....like ones to LONDON, persay. so fuck that shit. i'm one angry bitch...or mildly angry bitch. at least i get to go skiing.

anyway, on a lighter note, here is a shout out to my uncle C (Wha~ What!?) a.k.a The Biz a.k.a. Norwalk; i am sorry that my blog has neglected you so, but some things (and/or people) are too hard to verbalize...and you, my friend, in all your beauty and vaginal discharge, are hard to put into words. another shout out to my big black momda (a mommy/daddy hybrid) cello a.k.a. darien a.k.a. demario a.k.a. tyrone a.k.a. big black male names. you are the only big black momda for me. and one last "yo yo yo" to my auntie, Hufflepuff a.k.a. Westport...through the time we are together, may you live up to the level of (place adjective here) that i have heard so much about...

on that note: GET TESTED.

...still in recovery...

i'm still in recovery from last nite's profundity (<--is that even a word? i meant to spell "profound-ness") when i discovered that i would be banished from the 7th ring, to the 8th ring of hell.

on top of that, i have come to find that i did i MUCH worse on my Math 120 midterm. either that, or i didn't "service" the prof as well as i thought i had...if you get my drift. i ended up in the second to the last a.k.a. third quartile range, which pretty much rounds off to a C+, if i'm lucky, or a C-, if i'm not so lucky. Rachee says that people always end up doing better in the class than they think...and it's probably a good thing that i bombed it, considering the fact that i didn't start studying until the day before the exam at 10 pm...so i guess i kind of deserved the grade. but what happened to the good ol' days, where i could do jack and still fuck the curve? i don't know. high school...o high school...

anyway, today was an interesting day. chinese wasn't too draggy and math went by pretty quickly. our math teacher is the cutest, ugliest little thing ever. he looks like a bald penguin with his beaky little nose, and big classes and stout little body...almost quasi japanese-anime-ish. he loves telling bad jokes and smacking himself on the head when he makes a mistake *weird* but all in all, he's a good teacher, a good guy, and a great lover...or so i hear...

after math, i had a little Rendezvous with "the mina" where i pretty much blabbed about my weekend. i picked up some pot and some kleenex from the Yale book store, and five fingered a couple of pair of shoes from Urban...hehe...jk. my shop lifting days are over, and by over, i mean i haven't done it in a long time because i don't have the opportunity to...and it doesn't help that someone was charged and prosecuted *cough cough*...you know who you are!! you scum of the earth! i thought you had morals...

another thing that brought me down: i forgot to buy my 2 daily Odwallas from the Law School...so i am 2 Odwallas short today. i'll get over it.

post-eating/shopping and pre-study of the city, i decided to take a nap, which i found to be rather fulfilling...after dinner, i have study of the city until 9:15, some chinese homework, math that is due on Thursday, and some chinese to check that isn't due till Thursday, also. i am just happy to be on top of things...granted i am not usually a top *wink wink nudge nudge*.

lonely. i'm still lonely. wah.

so...spring break in 3 days...it's gonna be the shizz...i'm super psyched. skiing with N8 and kate spade, and good ol' home for the next week...yup...at yale, our 42,000 dollar tuition buys us 2 weeks of spring break; and i bet you thought the tuition wasn't worth it--PAH!

last night was quite interesting. you see, the previous two weeks, i had to leave the room to watch the OC, because ESPN wanted to watch (you guessed it) ESPN2, which we get in our room because we have extended cable. so, every time, i yield to his argument and let him watch ESPN2 in our room, while i pilfer for another room to watch the OC. well, last night, peeps came in wanting to watch ESPN2 while ESPN was trying to watch Fox's "Average Joe." i don't mind who watches what, but it was gravely virtuous to see the roles reverse, and to hear ESPN argue with the guys, saying "come on! how often to i watch tv?", to which i replied "jesus fucking christ. how often do I ever watch tv? you still would never let me watch my show...give me a fuckin break." needless to say, ESPN got what he wanted and watched his TV show, amidst the viewers who wanted to watch ESPN2. whateves...life is fair like that, ya know? it's okay though. it's not like i ever put up a fight to watch the OC...it was just common sense to let him watch his ESPN2, because our room is the only room that has it.

so thats my story.

what the fuck?!?!

ok. so i took the quiz again, trying to make myself feel better, considering "the Mina" went from the 8th ring to the 1st in a matter of two changed questions. here's what i got for changing a few answers, in an attempt to be banished to a better part of hell:

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Many and varied sinners suffer eternally in the multi-leveled Malebolge, an ampitheatre-shapped pit of despair Wholly of stone and of an iron colour: Those guilty of fraudulence and malice; the seducers and pimps, who are whipped by horned demons; the hypocrites, who struggle to walk in lead-lined cloaks; the barraters, who are ducked in boiling pitch by demons known as the Malebranche. The simonists, wedged into stone holes, and whose feet are licked by flames, kick and writhe desperately. The magicians, diviners, fortune tellers, and panderers are all here, as are the thieves. Some wallow in human excrement. Serpents writhe and wrap around men, sometimes fusing into each other. Bodies are torn apart. When you arrive, you will want to put your hands over your ears because of the lamentations of the sinners here, who are afflicted with scabs like leprosy, and lay sick on the ground, furiously scratching their skin off with their nails. Indeed, justice divine doth smite them with its hammer.

i'm fucking screwed, man.

o shit...sorry mom!!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell. The violent, the assasins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides- stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgement, their bodies will hang from their branches. In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level.

i'm a band dork

so i just searched through my pack of CDs, looking for my fave band song ever, "Hounds of Spring." I, however, cannot find it. i am guessing that i didn't bring it because, at the beginning of the semester, i was probably thinking to myself: "o no! i can't bring that CD of all my fave band songs...people will think me a loser! and, as we all know, i am way too cool for that." so i probably left that CD at home. o woe is me!

anyway, this weekend was quite wild. anyone who knows me, feel free to gimme a call and i'll give you the details. i will say one thing, though: i was molested by a 50 year old, japense business man, and, as soon as i got home, i showered for 5 hours, crying in the corner, scrubbing my left arm until it started to bleed...JUST KIDDING! sorry for all of you who could relate to the previous regailing (sp?)...it was not meant to offend anyone.

so i got to go to bed last nite at 10:30...not naturally, of course, because i had to down a couple of sleeping pills: Tylenol's "Simply Sleep" to be exact. two of those blue little bombshells, and you're out in 30 minutes...well, i was at least, and i got some good god damn sleep!! not that i needed it...my week up until spring break should be pretty smooth sailing up until then! no more midterms for moi!

anyway, there's gonna be a big ol' shit show tonite with rooming situations. apparently, even though we are in college, people are still incapabable of dealing with problems in mature ways.