AHHHH. I WAS SOOO CLOSE.

so. i went to my brother's house for dinner, and upon finishing our meals, his roommate walks in. she babbles along, somewhere dropping a line referring to "the simple life 3" being filmed "in nashville" and immediately a light bulb went off in my head.

i jumped out of the couch to interrogate her "too good to be true" claims. ALAS! i confirmed her allegations via google...which told me that production for "the simple life 3" closed up on monday (today's wednesday...wah!). anywhore, the bitches, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, were in the area interning as wedding planners and dentists assistants. me, being the sad person that i am, drove to elmington park, where (according to my brother's roommate) production was staying.

and yes, i did drive there-- but only because it's like 5 mins from my house-- seriously.

it was sort of a scattering of trailers in this miniature parking lot, full of nice vehicles and bright lights. unfortunately, the girls were not there, as filming had already wrapped up. however, i had one lingering question on my mind:

HOW THE FUCK DID I NOT KNOW THAT FUCKING PARIS HILTON AND FUCKING NICOLE RICHIE WERE GOING TO BE IN FUCKING NASHVILLE FUCKING TENNESSEE??!?!?!

woe...woe...woe is me.

i called bapple to see if he was aware of this news, and even that podunk bastard knew what was going on in the real world of celebutantes. he informed me that they were staying at some girl's house who (by way of multiple "he saids she saids") he technically knew in Franklin...in addition to the fact that his mother could not get into Green Hills Mall (...soo close to my house) because they had shut down the place on Saturday to let the girls go shopping.

needless to say, i yelled at bapple multiple times, asking: "who do you think you are? who are you? how could you not have told me?!?!" because i got into fucking town on Saturday...i might have had a chance to recreate a run in with the two Hottie McHotsters. my life has lost all meaning.

so, after calling multiple people about the news of grandeur (shout out to sportscenter, ahaves, $, meimei, and all the other whores i called), i moped back into my house...only to find out that my mother-- MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD-- over heard my talk of Paris and Nicole and mentioned that the house of her colleague, who works at the desk behind her and whose family is in the music bizz, was offered as a "sacrifical lamb," if you will, to let Paris and Nicole live in during production. the insane man TURNED DOWN THE OFFER! what the fuck. what the fuck. yes. i repeated it twice becasue A) he turned down the offer and B) my mother knew all about this without telling me.

my life has been a lie. my mother not only knew of dragostea din tei before me...she also knew that Paris and Nicole were but a few miles away from my grasp...and she did not let me know. lies upon more lies upon more lies! i need a therapist.

O NASHVILLE-- if only we had a few more paparazzi, i would've known of my lovers' whereabouts and staged a kidnapping.

N.B. ...um...most of the drama recreated in this post are for, well, dramatic purposes. i really don't care about paris and nicole that much-- all i wanted was a drop blood and a lock of hair. is that really too much to ask? i guess i'm back to square 1, that is, i guess i'll have to go back to my original plan of starting a new line of Designer Doggy Toothpaste that i'll launch next year for Tinkerbell (watch out, bitches-- i've already had it copyrighted).