...trek down memory lane...
here's an essay i wrote for ENGL 120 during the Fall of '03. Che-che-che-che che che check it out!
"Mother Nature’s Best Kept Secret"
Looking to shed a few pounds off the love handles? Not feeling as confident as you should about your body? Afraid that people aren’t honest when you ask, “do I look fat?”? Searching for a non-surgical, inexpensive way to lose weight and look great?
The solution is right in front of you. Introducing the newest and, not to mention, quickest way to lose weight since anorexia:
Mal Aria: Mother Nature’s Best Kept Secret
I know what you’re thinking, “Wait a minute. Isn’t that some kind of disease?”
The answer is no. It isn’t a disease—it’s a way of life.
What is it and how does it work?
Mal Aria is a diet pill unlike any other. The tablet encapsulates a dormant form of an organism that we like to call “Mother Nature’s Best Kept Secret.” Much like a young child or a small pet, this organism needs the help of others in order to survive in this cruel world. Unfortunately, because of its helpless dependency upon others, it sometimes can only find refuge in ugly, mean insects, like mosquitoes. In trying to find more attractive and hospitable homes for this special creature, we mistakenly discovered through intensive lab research that these organisms, in return for a place to reside, actually helped certain mammals lose weight and stay in shape. A remarkable discovery indeed!
Our scientists undertook the mission of harnessing the miracle worker’s weight loss-inducing capability, so that human beings, like you and me, could safely use it. After many failed attempts at altering the organism’s genomic structure, we realized that this creature was best left in its original form. Thus we came up with Mal Aria, a product that we proudly boast is 100% organic and FDA[1] approved—in other words, unlike most weight loss programs and pills, it’s safe for everyone!
What about the other methods of weight loss?
In this day and age, plenty of other products that can help you lose weight, like laxatives, fad diets, and eating disorders, but none of them are as safe or as effective as Mal Aria.
Sure. Anyone can eat right and exercise—but no one does. Why? Because there isn’t enough time in the day to eat right and exercise. Not only is it frustrating to go to the gym and waste your precious time waiting in line for the elliptical trainer, it is virtually impossible to do all this, as well as shop and prepare your own carefully-balanced meals every day. Additionally, such a lifestyle can be very costly. Monthly membership payments to the gym and the cost of healthy food, like soy products and organic chocolates, and can run you thousands of dollars a year! Mal Aria, on the other hand, is not time consuming. Just two pills a day, one in the morning and one at night, and only a hundred payments of 10 dollars.
In addition, the side effects of exercise are dangerous. Dr. Malcom Levine, local dentist with a doctorate in soil analysis, has found that, “Exercise…[is]…bad. You can…die…”[2] In addition to causing an increased heart rate and heightened blood pressure, exercise is known for having negative side effects, everything from sweat to dehydration, and even death. We believe that losing weight just isn’t worth dying for.
You also might have heard of other fad diets. Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Rosie O’Donnell’s Chub Club, the Atkins diet…the list goes on and on. But, what most Americans don’t realize is that these diet programs are “fads” for a reason. “Fad diets” like these go in and out, faster than a one-hit wonder in the music industry. Before you know it, the fad diet you have chosen to endure is no longer “in.” No one wants to deal with the burden of managing social acceptability and weight loss at the same time. Mal Aria, however, is extremely posh and trendy. With every Mal Aria purchase, a free, multi-colored suede purse, both discreet and fashionable, is included. Monsieur Martin Bethenod, chief editor of Vogue, was quoted last weekend saying, “[Mal Aria] is ‘in’. It’s a must…have…” Take it from the chief. Mal Aria, unlike those other fads, will never go out of style.
I am sure that somewhere down the line you have considered an eating disorder—bulimia, anorexia or even both. What you probably don’t know is that while it only takes a few months to acquire an eating disorder, it takes nearly seven years to recover from it. After you lose the intended amount of weight, you are left with a skinnier body, but a shrunken stomach, depleted esophagus, and psychiatrist’s bills to pay. Because of Mal Aria’s all natural ingredients, it is non habit forming. With an eating disorder, the negative aspects far outweigh the good, but Mal Aria is just the other way around. An eating disorder should only be a last resort. Mal Aria should be your first.
Finally, in the catalogue of options, there are surgical weight loss procedures, such as liposuction, stomach stapling, tummy tucks, etc. Invasive surgery, however, is not only risky—its effects are temporary. Though you may lose the 5 lbs from your thighs, you will regain the weight in a matter of weeks. And, unlike Mal Aria, surgery is expensive and inefficient.
So what makes Mal Aria better than the rest?
Firstly, it is all natural, which means that it is safe for the environment.
Secondly, it helps you lose the weight, without too much risk of death or the unattractive bodily reactions, like sweat, that come with exercise.
Thirdly, it is fashionable. The chic, multicolored suede carrying case that is included will ensure that everyone around you is jealous. You’ll never have to worry about Mal Aria being in or out—it’s always cool and socially acceptable to have Mal Aria!
Lastly, it helps you lose weight—and best of all, it keeps the weight off!
Looking to shed a few pounds off the love handles? Not feeling as confident as you should about your body? Afraid that people aren’t honest when you ask, “do I look fat?”? Searching for a non-surgical, inexpensive way to lose weight and look great?
The solution is right in front of you. Introducing the newest and, not to mention, quickest way to lose weight since anorexia:
Mal Aria: Mother Nature’s Best Kept Secret
I know what you’re thinking, “Wait a minute. Isn’t that some kind of disease?”
The answer is no. It isn’t a disease—it’s a way of life.
What is it and how does it work?
Mal Aria is a diet pill unlike any other. The tablet encapsulates a dormant form of an organism that we like to call “Mother Nature’s Best Kept Secret.” Much like a young child or a small pet, this organism needs the help of others in order to survive in this cruel world. Unfortunately, because of its helpless dependency upon others, it sometimes can only find refuge in ugly, mean insects, like mosquitoes. In trying to find more attractive and hospitable homes for this special creature, we mistakenly discovered through intensive lab research that these organisms, in return for a place to reside, actually helped certain mammals lose weight and stay in shape. A remarkable discovery indeed!
Our scientists undertook the mission of harnessing the miracle worker’s weight loss-inducing capability, so that human beings, like you and me, could safely use it. After many failed attempts at altering the organism’s genomic structure, we realized that this creature was best left in its original form. Thus we came up with Mal Aria, a product that we proudly boast is 100% organic and FDA[1] approved—in other words, unlike most weight loss programs and pills, it’s safe for everyone!
What about the other methods of weight loss?
In this day and age, plenty of other products that can help you lose weight, like laxatives, fad diets, and eating disorders, but none of them are as safe or as effective as Mal Aria.
Sure. Anyone can eat right and exercise—but no one does. Why? Because there isn’t enough time in the day to eat right and exercise. Not only is it frustrating to go to the gym and waste your precious time waiting in line for the elliptical trainer, it is virtually impossible to do all this, as well as shop and prepare your own carefully-balanced meals every day. Additionally, such a lifestyle can be very costly. Monthly membership payments to the gym and the cost of healthy food, like soy products and organic chocolates, and can run you thousands of dollars a year! Mal Aria, on the other hand, is not time consuming. Just two pills a day, one in the morning and one at night, and only a hundred payments of 10 dollars.
In addition, the side effects of exercise are dangerous. Dr. Malcom Levine, local dentist with a doctorate in soil analysis, has found that, “Exercise…[is]…bad. You can…die…”[2] In addition to causing an increased heart rate and heightened blood pressure, exercise is known for having negative side effects, everything from sweat to dehydration, and even death. We believe that losing weight just isn’t worth dying for.
You also might have heard of other fad diets. Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Rosie O’Donnell’s Chub Club, the Atkins diet…the list goes on and on. But, what most Americans don’t realize is that these diet programs are “fads” for a reason. “Fad diets” like these go in and out, faster than a one-hit wonder in the music industry. Before you know it, the fad diet you have chosen to endure is no longer “in.” No one wants to deal with the burden of managing social acceptability and weight loss at the same time. Mal Aria, however, is extremely posh and trendy. With every Mal Aria purchase, a free, multi-colored suede purse, both discreet and fashionable, is included. Monsieur Martin Bethenod, chief editor of Vogue, was quoted last weekend saying, “[Mal Aria] is ‘in’. It’s a must…have…” Take it from the chief. Mal Aria, unlike those other fads, will never go out of style.
I am sure that somewhere down the line you have considered an eating disorder—bulimia, anorexia or even both. What you probably don’t know is that while it only takes a few months to acquire an eating disorder, it takes nearly seven years to recover from it. After you lose the intended amount of weight, you are left with a skinnier body, but a shrunken stomach, depleted esophagus, and psychiatrist’s bills to pay. Because of Mal Aria’s all natural ingredients, it is non habit forming. With an eating disorder, the negative aspects far outweigh the good, but Mal Aria is just the other way around. An eating disorder should only be a last resort. Mal Aria should be your first.
Finally, in the catalogue of options, there are surgical weight loss procedures, such as liposuction, stomach stapling, tummy tucks, etc. Invasive surgery, however, is not only risky—its effects are temporary. Though you may lose the 5 lbs from your thighs, you will regain the weight in a matter of weeks. And, unlike Mal Aria, surgery is expensive and inefficient.
So what makes Mal Aria better than the rest?
Firstly, it is all natural, which means that it is safe for the environment.
Secondly, it helps you lose the weight, without too much risk of death or the unattractive bodily reactions, like sweat, that come with exercise.
Thirdly, it is fashionable. The chic, multicolored suede carrying case that is included will ensure that everyone around you is jealous. You’ll never have to worry about Mal Aria being in or out—it’s always cool and socially acceptable to have Mal Aria!
Lastly, it helps you lose weight—and best of all, it keeps the weight off!
Are there any side effects?
As with any product on the market, there are always side effects. Even fruits and vegetables, according to the Surgeon General, “…are [not] healthy...” As mentioned earlier, the side effects of Mal Aria are minor. Mal Aria essentially works by helping your body burn weight so that you don’t have to make a conscious effort to do so. Because of this characteristic, you may experience certain symptoms, such as low-grade fevers, malaise, muscle pains and chills, but these side effects are no different from the flu, and will sometimes end as soon as you stop using our product. As far as the most severe side effects are concerned, Mal Aria eventually can always never not cause certain organs to stop functioning and will never sometimes not induce a coma, but these cases are not few and not far between. Besides, when one organ is not unable to be functionless, the other organs get stronger!
Its greatest effect, however, is going to be an overwhelming amount of self confidence, as the pounds begin to fall and the eyes begin to turn…to look at you!
Is Mal Aria right for me?
Look at the facts, and decide for yourself—if it isn’t plainly obvious already. Mal Aria isn’t a question of “is it right for me?” It’s right for everyone. It is safe, easy to use, and effective, and will help you lose weight and look great for as long as you live; this is the reason we call it “Mother Nature’s Best Kept Secret.” But, lucky for you—the secret has been revealed, and it’s up to you to take advantage of it. Ask yourself, again, “Is it right for me?”
The answer is: Yes. Yes, it is.
If you, however, still need a bit more convincing, take a look at some of our real life, non-unedited testimonials from everyday people like you and me.
Jane Doe, age 23
Salem, Mass.
“Mal Aria was just what the doctor ordered. Aside from the minor back pains and chills, I have gone from a size 10 to a size 0 in less than 2 weeks. Thanks Mal Aria!”
Esther Ranger, age 18
New Haven, CT
“If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is…[but, on the contrary, Mal Aria is true. I love Mal Aria. It’s great and I love it and I use it every day and you should buy it. Buy it now. BUY IT NOW. It helped me shed pounds without the work. I’m not lazy. I’m just busy]. In the ad, it says that Mal Aria is safe, but…it was actually severely… [good].”
Bertha McGowan, age 54
Germantown, TN
“Mal Aria is [not] dangerous. Be careful [because its effects are awesome]!! It is [not] unsafe…Don’t try it [later; Try IT NOW]!”
Rosita Velasquez Agustina Vendito Mendoza , age 14
A ghetto in Honduras
“A mal ária é mortal. Estive doente durante anos muitos. Quase matou a minha família es mortale. Morrerei logo de fome.”
Translation: I love Mal Aria. Why didn’t anyone think of it before?
Supplies are limited, so get your order in now!
Mal Aria: Mother Nature’s Best Kept Secret
“It’s not a disease—it’s a way of life.”
As with any product on the market, there are always side effects. Even fruits and vegetables, according to the Surgeon General, “…are [not] healthy...” As mentioned earlier, the side effects of Mal Aria are minor. Mal Aria essentially works by helping your body burn weight so that you don’t have to make a conscious effort to do so. Because of this characteristic, you may experience certain symptoms, such as low-grade fevers, malaise, muscle pains and chills, but these side effects are no different from the flu, and will sometimes end as soon as you stop using our product. As far as the most severe side effects are concerned, Mal Aria eventually can always never not cause certain organs to stop functioning and will never sometimes not induce a coma, but these cases are not few and not far between. Besides, when one organ is not unable to be functionless, the other organs get stronger!
Its greatest effect, however, is going to be an overwhelming amount of self confidence, as the pounds begin to fall and the eyes begin to turn…to look at you!
Is Mal Aria right for me?
Look at the facts, and decide for yourself—if it isn’t plainly obvious already. Mal Aria isn’t a question of “is it right for me?” It’s right for everyone. It is safe, easy to use, and effective, and will help you lose weight and look great for as long as you live; this is the reason we call it “Mother Nature’s Best Kept Secret.” But, lucky for you—the secret has been revealed, and it’s up to you to take advantage of it. Ask yourself, again, “Is it right for me?”
The answer is: Yes. Yes, it is.
If you, however, still need a bit more convincing, take a look at some of our real life, non-unedited testimonials from everyday people like you and me.
Jane Doe, age 23
Salem, Mass.
“Mal Aria was just what the doctor ordered. Aside from the minor back pains and chills, I have gone from a size 10 to a size 0 in less than 2 weeks. Thanks Mal Aria!”
Esther Ranger, age 18
New Haven, CT
“If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is…[but, on the contrary, Mal Aria is true. I love Mal Aria. It’s great and I love it and I use it every day and you should buy it. Buy it now. BUY IT NOW. It helped me shed pounds without the work. I’m not lazy. I’m just busy]. In the ad, it says that Mal Aria is safe, but…it was actually severely… [good].”
Bertha McGowan, age 54
Germantown, TN
“Mal Aria is [not] dangerous. Be careful [because its effects are awesome]!! It is [not] unsafe…Don’t try it [later; Try IT NOW]!”
Rosita Velasquez Agustina Vendito Mendoza , age 14
A ghetto in Honduras
“A mal ária é mortal. Estive doente durante anos muitos. Quase matou a minha família es mortale. Morrerei logo de fome.”
Translation: I love Mal Aria. Why didn’t anyone think of it before?
Supplies are limited, so get your order in now!
Mal Aria: Mother Nature’s Best Kept Secret
“It’s not a disease—it’s a way of life.”
[1] Fatal Disease—Ahh!
An organization that classifies the fatal diseases of the world, and advocates awareness and prevention
[2] http://www.mindspring.com/~stardancer/bokrevu1.htm
An excerpted opinion from Malcom Levine’s book review of The Mysts of Avalon
An organization that classifies the fatal diseases of the world, and advocates awareness and prevention
[2] http://www.mindspring.com/~stardancer/bokrevu1.htm
An excerpted opinion from Malcom Levine’s book review of The Mysts of Avalon
posted by Joe @ 3:05 PM
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