i'm baaaaaaaaaaaack...again that is
*this entry is a work in progress, so check back to see if i added any new memories to it*
soo everybodAY~~ i'm back from Orange Beach, Gulf Shores. it was a bunch of fun...so...i guess i'll have to recant as much as i can, because a lot has happened (biblically speaking).
on Friday, neenee and i hit up Club Hurricane's, where we caught a tight "cold shower" competition, where these 10 hoes danced in a shower (kind of like Senior/Junior Prom without the showers). can we say SKANKY? not only did i have to pay 15 dollars b/c i'm a guy, we had to get huge X's drawn on our hands, and were immediately circumsized with dull razors...wait- that didn't happen. but the club was skanky nonetheless.
OMG. we ran into MS. TARTARSKI!!!!!!!!!!! we made out with her, and she got hit on by some guy from Wisconsin. the guy had a friend who tried to convince me to join the armed forces by showing me his tattoo and saying "you look healthy. join the army" to which i replied "i am not healthy. no." if he wanted to do me, all he had to do was ask. the whole "armed forces" bit is SOO outdated and SOO obvious. it was scary to see ms. tartar and to see her friends. *still weirded out*
neenee and i pulled an all night of hot, steamy, sexy, intimate talking. for those of you who did not know...neenee had her first mugshot saturday morning. for further details, contact her one on one, or you can reach her at her day job @ 1-800-HOT-GIRLS (yeah...neenee is the blonde one on the commercial that lip sinks to "hot girrls...pick up the phone...hot girls...pick up the phone). charlie picked us up and we were on our way to Floribama.
tommy boy, neenee's brother, and charlie, neenee's dad, were farting maniacs. two words: grow up.
i got a lot of sun and i am super dark now. it was my initial goal to become "bleeeaaaaack," but now i'm just "dirty mexican." i should come up with a make up line with the skin colors as those names, eg: "our flawless make up comes in 3 colors; dirty mexican, white trash, and bleeeeaaack. call 1-888-XXX-XXXX to order your own set, NOW~"
to show how mexican-looking i was, i will set up a REAL LIFE scenario i experienced with a 7-year-old girl named Alex. Alex was from Memphis, TN with her friend and her friend's mother, Miss Lisa. Alex told neenee and i EVERYTHING about her...where she slept...where the money is hiding in her condo...when her parents leave the house...no no no- jk. but Alex was a talker. she was very sweet, and i taught her and her friend how to make "Dribble Castles" aka "Drizzle Castles" (not to be mistaken with Cum Drizzling/Dribbling. you get a mixture of water and sand in your palm, and drizzle it and it will slowly build a neat little castle. i originally intended to build REAL sand castles with their little bucket-molds, but some hick-assed little kid borrowed the biggest castle-mold and stole it. STUPID SHIT. I SHOULD'VE LYNCHED HIM WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!!!) so...anyway, alex looks like a little Cameron Diaz. i also taught her how to skim board, since i became a skim board MASTER and it pissed off lil' tommy boy that he wasn't very good at it...and the fact that i stepped on that mother fucker and had it down in no time...MEESA SKIM BOARDING PRO!!; by the end of the trip, i was doing 360s and deep throats. well, here is the discourse that developed between Alex and me:
Alex: Do you speak Spanish?
Me: No...why?...do i look Mexican?
*Alex nods her head*
Me: umm...no, i'm Chinese.
...and as all discussions of ethnicity continue, Alex forced me to "say something...say anything" in Chinese. i taught her how to say "Eat Shit and Die"...but she wasn't very good at the pronunciation.
on another day:
even better...we were all locked out of our condo, and this half-sane-rent-a-cop was helping us get back in the room. we were on the 7th floor, and the rent-a-cop (who wore a police cap and had a lazy eye...and who i will call DumbShit for typing purposes) brought a key...well, the key didn't work. so he went back down the elevator, and came back up with another key...that key didn't work. and charlie was so tired of waiting, he ended up breaking into one of the windows (by lifting up the screen panel and opening the window) and we got in. here is the lovely, o-so-non-ignorant discourse that occurred between DumbShit and me:
ACT I, Scene I
(Disclaimer: while reading, please think of the hickiest voice possible to get the full-on, DumbShit experience!!)
*looks at me with one lazy eye to the side*
DumbShit: where you from?
Me: um...Nashville
DumbShit: NO~ i mean countreee.
Me: well, i'm chinese by blood, but my dad is Thai and my mom is Taiwanese.
DumbShit: you know any of 'dem martial arts?
Me: no.
DumbShit: o- well, i thought they taught you how to do that. it must not be as much of a tradition anymore.
Me: neato. cool. grand. awesome. wow. oh.
*as DumbShit leaves, i scream "ehh yaH!" while making a KARATE chop...jokes on him. all us orientals know the art of martial-ness. mwahaha*
in all honesty, DumbShit was very nice. he wasn't ignorant. he just wasn't as cultured as many of us (such as bapple) are. he was a very nice guy...but wait- THERESHMOORE!
ACT I, Scene II
*DumbShit comes back up the elevator with a new set of keys, he hands the keys over to me and says...*
DumbShit: here. you take these and try to open the door. maybe you can get it...the chinese are always smarter.
*i take the keys, and hand them to neenee.*
what an interesting guy. *i give you my props*
soo...what other fun stuff happened. well, this was probably the most fun of all. TOMMY BOY PUKED ALL OVER THE BATHROOM FLOOR AT 4 IN THE F-ING MORNING AND I HAD TO CLEAN IT ALL UP B/C HE WAS TOO INDOLENT TO ASSUME THE TASK ON HIS OWN. he tossed cookies all over the floor, the floor mats, the sink, the toilet, the tub, the shower curtain, his bedroom floor, and the shower walls. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS KID EATING/DRINKING/F-ing??
my inner-maid kicked in, and i went into full throttle-slave mode. this involved me:
*chloroxing the floor, the sink, the sink table, the toilet, the door handles, the bathroom tub
*putting the towels and mats into the washer and dryer
*taking down the shower curtain, and rinsing it off in anti-bacterial soap in the tub
*mopping and drying the floor with a towel
*disinfecting and deoderizing were key*
by the next morning, neenee couldn't even tell that some one had a spew of an explosion in the bathroom. i shoudl've made tommy boy pay me for those services.
on another day:
well, i build a trench around one of the castles that i built, and people called me "trench digger"...you know...the racial slur for gooks/vietnamese people. *weird*
two southern slang terms that i learned:
*pinch a loaf means take a shit
*a bruhaha is more of a "shenanigan". i used the word in place of saying "haha".
on another other day:
neenee's dad, charlie, brought an over-sized sling shot. we all dropped wet globs of toilet paper from our floor onto the indoor swimming pool, glass ceiling. we also chucked water balloons hundreds of feet into the neighboring swimming pools. we also hit cars, a few babies, and gazeebos/tents that peopel were under. we scared them all shitless. mwahah~ we also shot tomatos, peaches and entire rolls of toilet paper soaked in water. i don't think i have ever had so much fun in my life.
we never got caught...tehehe.
INTERESTING FACT FOR THE DAY:
for those of you who did not know, Ms. Cheap from the Tennessean is neenee's aunt. we hung out with her family, and said our goodbyes to Banana and Bizza (<---neenee's cousins) who are going to Spring Hill College. (hanging out included eating crabs with our bare hands, and watching "queer eye for the straight guy". one note: JAI IS SCARY. PLEASE GET RID OF HIM. we also took a beach walk and met a bunch of hicks, to whom i told i was "12 going on 13". one of the hicks said he "drove a four wheeler to his friends house", "didn't wear shoes", and "drives a tractor everywhere." way to represent Alabama...it makes you sound really educated when you say those things...*prays that the white trash hicks were not serious*)
random thought:
the pool had a lot of jelly fish and jelly fish bits. i dont' think i was ever bitten, but i did get a couple piercing pains on my bonch/scrotum-nal areas. they didn't last very long, but i was scared a bit.
IN GENERAL:
i ate tons of good sea food, particularly pussy. (i dont' think pussy is a sea food, but it smells like it...or so i hear.)
NEW SUBJECT:
WELL, my roommate (his alias is SportsCenter) got a hold of me, as did one our suitemates, whom i call ESPN. i thought ESPN would be another southerner, since he's from NC, but he grew up in NY. SportsCenter is from CA, and the last kid (whom i will call Juvey because his picture in the Yale facebook makes him look like a dilinquent) has yet to be found. i think he's in jail...but there are no official reports on his whereabouts just yet.
i received an e-mail from SportsCenter and ESPN on the same day.
Both of their e-mails talked about their love of sports.
i received ims from them at the same time on the same day.
i received the same reasons as to why they had to leave (they both had "coollege good bye" parties to go to).
they both left at the same time.
all of this evidence leads me to the conclusion that: they are, in fact, the same person. they were separated at birth...but shall be reunited at Yale. if worse comes to worse, SportsCenter and ESPN can room together, since they are practically the same anyway. jk. i don't know, i'll have to meet them. but i'm thinking they are going to get along very well...and all the roommies will want to lynch the southern-belle chink named Joe. *hopes and prays this does not happen*
do people like me?
am i capable of making friends?
we shall find out, soon enough.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
a handicapped party with a bunch of kids, jumping and dancing (to the best of their abilities) to Black Eyed Peas' "Let's Get Retarded." if you laughed, you are a bad bad person. *laughs maniacally*
soo everybodAY~~ i'm back from Orange Beach, Gulf Shores. it was a bunch of fun...so...i guess i'll have to recant as much as i can, because a lot has happened (biblically speaking).
on Friday, neenee and i hit up Club Hurricane's, where we caught a tight "cold shower" competition, where these 10 hoes danced in a shower (kind of like Senior/Junior Prom without the showers). can we say SKANKY? not only did i have to pay 15 dollars b/c i'm a guy, we had to get huge X's drawn on our hands, and were immediately circumsized with dull razors...wait- that didn't happen. but the club was skanky nonetheless.
OMG. we ran into MS. TARTARSKI!!!!!!!!!!! we made out with her, and she got hit on by some guy from Wisconsin. the guy had a friend who tried to convince me to join the armed forces by showing me his tattoo and saying "you look healthy. join the army" to which i replied "i am not healthy. no." if he wanted to do me, all he had to do was ask. the whole "armed forces" bit is SOO outdated and SOO obvious. it was scary to see ms. tartar and to see her friends. *still weirded out*
neenee and i pulled an all night of hot, steamy, sexy, intimate talking. for those of you who did not know...neenee had her first mugshot saturday morning. for further details, contact her one on one, or you can reach her at her day job @ 1-800-HOT-GIRLS (yeah...neenee is the blonde one on the commercial that lip sinks to "hot girrls...pick up the phone...hot girls...pick up the phone). charlie picked us up and we were on our way to Floribama.
tommy boy, neenee's brother, and charlie, neenee's dad, were farting maniacs. two words: grow up.
i got a lot of sun and i am super dark now. it was my initial goal to become "bleeeaaaaack," but now i'm just "dirty mexican." i should come up with a make up line with the skin colors as those names, eg: "our flawless make up comes in 3 colors; dirty mexican, white trash, and bleeeeaaack. call 1-888-XXX-XXXX to order your own set, NOW~"
to show how mexican-looking i was, i will set up a REAL LIFE scenario i experienced with a 7-year-old girl named Alex. Alex was from Memphis, TN with her friend and her friend's mother, Miss Lisa. Alex told neenee and i EVERYTHING about her...where she slept...where the money is hiding in her condo...when her parents leave the house...no no no- jk. but Alex was a talker. she was very sweet, and i taught her and her friend how to make "Dribble Castles" aka "Drizzle Castles" (not to be mistaken with Cum Drizzling/Dribbling. you get a mixture of water and sand in your palm, and drizzle it and it will slowly build a neat little castle. i originally intended to build REAL sand castles with their little bucket-molds, but some hick-assed little kid borrowed the biggest castle-mold and stole it. STUPID SHIT. I SHOULD'VE LYNCHED HIM WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!!!) so...anyway, alex looks like a little Cameron Diaz. i also taught her how to skim board, since i became a skim board MASTER and it pissed off lil' tommy boy that he wasn't very good at it...and the fact that i stepped on that mother fucker and had it down in no time...MEESA SKIM BOARDING PRO!!; by the end of the trip, i was doing 360s and deep throats. well, here is the discourse that developed between Alex and me:
Alex: Do you speak Spanish?
Me: No...why?...do i look Mexican?
*Alex nods her head*
Me: umm...no, i'm Chinese.
...and as all discussions of ethnicity continue, Alex forced me to "say something...say anything" in Chinese. i taught her how to say "Eat Shit and Die"...but she wasn't very good at the pronunciation.
on another day:
even better...we were all locked out of our condo, and this half-sane-rent-a-cop was helping us get back in the room. we were on the 7th floor, and the rent-a-cop (who wore a police cap and had a lazy eye...and who i will call DumbShit for typing purposes) brought a key...well, the key didn't work. so he went back down the elevator, and came back up with another key...that key didn't work. and charlie was so tired of waiting, he ended up breaking into one of the windows (by lifting up the screen panel and opening the window) and we got in. here is the lovely, o-so-non-ignorant discourse that occurred between DumbShit and me:
ACT I, Scene I
(Disclaimer: while reading, please think of the hickiest voice possible to get the full-on, DumbShit experience!!)
*looks at me with one lazy eye to the side*
DumbShit: where you from?
Me: um...Nashville
DumbShit: NO~ i mean countreee.
Me: well, i'm chinese by blood, but my dad is Thai and my mom is Taiwanese.
DumbShit: you know any of 'dem martial arts?
Me: no.
DumbShit: o- well, i thought they taught you how to do that. it must not be as much of a tradition anymore.
Me: neato. cool. grand. awesome. wow. oh.
*as DumbShit leaves, i scream "ehh yaH!" while making a KARATE chop...jokes on him. all us orientals know the art of martial-ness. mwahaha*
in all honesty, DumbShit was very nice. he wasn't ignorant. he just wasn't as cultured as many of us (such as bapple) are. he was a very nice guy...but wait- THERESHMOORE!
ACT I, Scene II
*DumbShit comes back up the elevator with a new set of keys, he hands the keys over to me and says...*
DumbShit: here. you take these and try to open the door. maybe you can get it...the chinese are always smarter.
*i take the keys, and hand them to neenee.*
what an interesting guy. *i give you my props*
soo...what other fun stuff happened. well, this was probably the most fun of all. TOMMY BOY PUKED ALL OVER THE BATHROOM FLOOR AT 4 IN THE F-ING MORNING AND I HAD TO CLEAN IT ALL UP B/C HE WAS TOO INDOLENT TO ASSUME THE TASK ON HIS OWN. he tossed cookies all over the floor, the floor mats, the sink, the toilet, the tub, the shower curtain, his bedroom floor, and the shower walls. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS KID EATING/DRINKING/F-ing??
my inner-maid kicked in, and i went into full throttle-slave mode. this involved me:
*chloroxing the floor, the sink, the sink table, the toilet, the door handles, the bathroom tub
*putting the towels and mats into the washer and dryer
*taking down the shower curtain, and rinsing it off in anti-bacterial soap in the tub
*mopping and drying the floor with a towel
*disinfecting and deoderizing were key*
by the next morning, neenee couldn't even tell that some one had a spew of an explosion in the bathroom. i shoudl've made tommy boy pay me for those services.
on another day:
well, i build a trench around one of the castles that i built, and people called me "trench digger"...you know...the racial slur for gooks/vietnamese people. *weird*
two southern slang terms that i learned:
*pinch a loaf means take a shit
*a bruhaha is more of a "shenanigan". i used the word in place of saying "haha".
on another other day:
neenee's dad, charlie, brought an over-sized sling shot. we all dropped wet globs of toilet paper from our floor onto the indoor swimming pool, glass ceiling. we also chucked water balloons hundreds of feet into the neighboring swimming pools. we also hit cars, a few babies, and gazeebos/tents that peopel were under. we scared them all shitless. mwahah~ we also shot tomatos, peaches and entire rolls of toilet paper soaked in water. i don't think i have ever had so much fun in my life.
we never got caught...tehehe.
INTERESTING FACT FOR THE DAY:
for those of you who did not know, Ms. Cheap from the Tennessean is neenee's aunt. we hung out with her family, and said our goodbyes to Banana and Bizza (<---neenee's cousins) who are going to Spring Hill College. (hanging out included eating crabs with our bare hands, and watching "queer eye for the straight guy". one note: JAI IS SCARY. PLEASE GET RID OF HIM. we also took a beach walk and met a bunch of hicks, to whom i told i was "12 going on 13". one of the hicks said he "drove a four wheeler to his friends house", "didn't wear shoes", and "drives a tractor everywhere." way to represent Alabama...it makes you sound really educated when you say those things...*prays that the white trash hicks were not serious*)
random thought:
the pool had a lot of jelly fish and jelly fish bits. i dont' think i was ever bitten, but i did get a couple piercing pains on my bonch/scrotum-nal areas. they didn't last very long, but i was scared a bit.
IN GENERAL:
i ate tons of good sea food, particularly pussy. (i dont' think pussy is a sea food, but it smells like it...or so i hear.)
NEW SUBJECT:
WELL, my roommate (his alias is SportsCenter) got a hold of me, as did one our suitemates, whom i call ESPN. i thought ESPN would be another southerner, since he's from NC, but he grew up in NY. SportsCenter is from CA, and the last kid (whom i will call Juvey because his picture in the Yale facebook makes him look like a dilinquent) has yet to be found. i think he's in jail...but there are no official reports on his whereabouts just yet.
i received an e-mail from SportsCenter and ESPN on the same day.
Both of their e-mails talked about their love of sports.
i received ims from them at the same time on the same day.
i received the same reasons as to why they had to leave (they both had "coollege good bye" parties to go to).
they both left at the same time.
all of this evidence leads me to the conclusion that: they are, in fact, the same person. they were separated at birth...but shall be reunited at Yale. if worse comes to worse, SportsCenter and ESPN can room together, since they are practically the same anyway. jk. i don't know, i'll have to meet them. but i'm thinking they are going to get along very well...and all the roommies will want to lynch the southern-belle chink named Joe. *hopes and prays this does not happen*
do people like me?
am i capable of making friends?
we shall find out, soon enough.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
a handicapped party with a bunch of kids, jumping and dancing (to the best of their abilities) to Black Eyed Peas' "Let's Get Retarded." if you laughed, you are a bad bad person. *laughs maniacally*
posted by Joe @ 9:31 PM
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