back from CHI-TOWN baby!!!
...and things are a little different, b/c i'm HOT AND LEGAL!! if you are over 18, you can F me and it won't be statutory rape! WOO HOO~
anyway, i was initially scared to update, but i have SOO much random shit to post...but alas, i shall try and catch up before the GREAT RAPTURE...and then nothing will be accomplished then, now will it?
...i'm taking you back...back in time to...:
Monday: July 21, 2003
so i wake up in the morning with neenee's red, honda civic waiting outside for me with bapple in the front seat. we head out to neenee's HOT MILF's (short for Mom I'd Like to Fuck) office, where i realized that i had everything i needed...except for my plane confirmation ticket! haha- silly me! so i had to print out a ticket from MILF's computer in her office, and we all headed out to the big-ass-nashvegas AIRPORT...BABY!
the flight was really bumpy and pissed the shit out of me...probably the worst flight i have ever been on. F you, SOUTHWEST! realizing that the airport people didn't even look at my ticket confirmation, i got it out to review...realizing that i had printed out my confirmation for the flight that takes me to New Haven...not Chicago...once again...silly me!!
we finally get to good ol' chitown, where we catch the L to go to my mom's hotel @ the Marriott Courtyard on E. Hubbard Street. easily enough, E. Hubbard just happened to be right off an L-stop and close to Michigan Avenue (a major street with tons and tons of SHOPPING!). looking at a map, i was like "ok...we'll just transfer off the Orange line from Midway, and get onto the line that will take us to Grand...little did i know that there were TWO Grand stops (one on Blue line and one on Red line). FUCK ME. we ended up on the Blue Line's Grand stop, which was a good 12 block trek from our hotel....we walked and walked and walked...but that wasn't even the end of it, b/c NO ONE KNEW WHERE THE FUCK E. HUBBARD WAS!!
Chicago, apparently, has, what looks like, two floors. much like a two-story house, you can find flights of steps that take you downstairs to an unimaginable nether region...where you seem to be right under the city. well, that's where E. Hubbard was...it was, relatively speaking, downstairs on the first floor of Chicago, and that's why we couldn't find the damn ass street.
bapple and i, of course, fought over the right way to go. and by the time we made it to the hotel, we were in a totally heated argument that ended with us, cursing our brains out in the middle of the hotel lobby, and concluded with us having hot, steamy, make-up shower sex with neenee watching in the corner...yess...
that night, we went out to Navy Pier where we rode this big Ferris Wheel (not to be confused with neenee's cooch), and we chilled at the dock for a while. waiting for the free trolley to take us home from the Pier, we witnessed a large array of gnats attacking the public, and got some restaurant names from a local (yea...a local, just like faniel wcislo...a true Chicago native--PAH!). we looked for the places the local had told us to eat dinner, but ended up at a popular restaurant called BUCCA DI BEPPO (an upscale version of The Olive Garden)!!! the fat-ass waitress was amazed to hear that we had not heard of Bucca di Beppo. as soon as the food got out, we fed one another Manicotti, flirted with the hottie waitress and took pictures with neenee's camera phone. when it was all said and done, we walked back to the hotel, in order to participate in a night full of shmoozing, snoozing, and fellatio-ozing. (well, not really. my mom was in the room...not that we would have done that if my mom were not in the room).
Tuesday: July 22, 2003
*sing with me*: HAPPY MY B-DAY to me!! Happy B Day to me!!! Happy B Day to me~!!! Happy B Day to me!!! *stop singing*
i can barely even remember what happened on this day...but i do remember that it was my birthday! apparently, neenee and bapple noticed that i talked in my sleep. *weird*. after waking up, we three...kings of orient are, bearing gifts we traverse afar---woah woah woah...sorry about that. we three (no christmas hymnals this time) looked for an L-stop, so that we could make our way out to Museum Campus with all the...uhh...you guessed it...MUSEUMS. we popped out the map, where a black man named Charles "helped" us find our way.
long story short (to make the short story long, contact neenee, bapple, or me for further details)...we got a little side tracked, our new best friend Charles took us on a mini-tour of Chicago, and...one hour and 105 bucks later...we were finally on the L on our way to the initial destination: MUSEUM CAMPUS. when we got there, we had to choose between the Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, and Adler Planetarium (also called the Sarah Adler Planetarium), and we ended up going to Sarah's Planetarium. the field museum looked the same from the last time we went (remember? ninth grade...nola with no pants and erich in full drag...BAND TRIP BABY!), and the Shedd Aquarium had a long ass line, so we just went to the Planetarium...which was O SO interesting. let's just say, bapple and neenee got quite a few power naps during the theatrical presentations. i, however, learned much about the stars, planets and the universe (can't you tell i'm the smart one of the bunch?).
but, alas, stars are only so interesting. and being in a gigantic, theatre-esque dome with pictures of stars and galaxies on the ceilings does not help to make anything about astronomy cooler. yes...the dome itself is cool...but not that cool...DO NOT BE FOOLED!
after it was all said and *done* (<--referring to bapple and the hot 56 year old planetarium worker-lady), we walked around the area, cruising for fresh meat, and enjoying the gorgeous weather and amazing city-scape of CHI-town. we later hitch-hiked our asses on a free trolley, that took us to the L stop that took us back to the hotel so that we could meet up with my MUM! all of us were off to CHINATOWN for my b-day party lunch/dinner thing. i was looking forward to eating DIM SUM, (which is not to be mistaken with a middle-aged chinese prostitute)...Dim Sum, is, in fact...well, dammit, i don't feel like explaining it to all you dumbass western folk. take your lazy ass and read about it here . unfortunately, they didn't serve Dim Sum at the time that we went, and my mom just had to order her own thang. the dinner was yummy, but full of TOFU b/c neenee only eats vegetables and cock. we walked around chinatown, gazing at the fine-asian-pootenanny and looking for oriental-girly-porn (yeah- i know...sick, isn't it? neenee really needs to control her satiation for chinky teeny boppers). after buying cheap shit in chinatown, neenee, bapple, and i went to the hotel to "freshen up" ("the girls there have bad after tastes," says bapple) and we went to Fuckingham Bountain...i mean, Buckingham Fountain where we watched the ejaculation of large amounts of water into the sky with Carmen Dragon's arrangement of "America the Beautiful" playing in the background *sniffles*. reminds me of Nola and Erich...speaking of which, at that moment, neenee called good ol' Nola and told her how the ejaculation of water (in addition to the music that we had played in band) reminded us of her. bapple started crying because he had lost jonathan ashley jarrell's number, and was, therefore, unable to call him for free phone sex.
after the lovely display of hydro-jaculations, we took my ripe-fresh-for-the-pickin'-18-year-old-ass to some XXX naughty stores in "Boystown", where we talked to "STHHEEEVE" and were "STHUUPER! THANKSTH FOR ASTHKING!! ...and after we were all spent, we went back to the hotel and got our XXXs and ZZZs.
Wednesday: July 23, 2003
i think we slept in this day, b/c of all the previous late night tomfoolery. my mom had given me this $25 Dollar certificate, and lucky for us, we were all cravin' a bit of Thai (thai food. had neenee and bapple craved Thai-sex, they would've hit me up). we checked out "Vong's Thai Kitchen", which was good, but the waitress was a total BITCH and we ended up calling the place "Vong's Thai BITCHES!!". mwahahaha....aren't we clever? we waited about 30 minutes for little pinky sized desserts that you only see on TV, when they are trying to make fun of the upscale restaurants that only provide you with miniature foods for hundreds of dollars...little did we know that at Vong's (short for Rodney Vongchamchan) Thai Kitchen, the miniature foods were, indeed, a reality.
after eating and bitching about our bia-bia-waitress, we took a free trolley to The Art Institute of Chicago, where i got off to naked, stone, structures of Grecian women. we later trekked up to the Sears Tower Observation Deck...which cost us an arm and a leg to see a dumb-ass pre-observation-deck movie, a quick ride in an elevator, and a bird's eye view of the city. the city was beautiful and clear that day...it was tons better than the John Hand-Cock Tower (which we saw in 9th grade on the Band Trip...the site of the first "friendship club" picture, which included, me, Esther, meg, Christi, ANDERSON *HOT HOT HOT* MAYFIELD, and Elliot Hard(on)away). after getting all "sky-decked" out, neenee and i argued on the way back home about "me not being aware of my surroundings enough" or some crazy bullshit. and like the argument i had with bapple, the tryst ended with hot and steamy make up sex and the strong revelation that i cause all the arguments between the three of us (which makes sense, but isn't as literal as it sounds...i'm just opinionated, that's all...and better than everyone in the world...smarter, and better-looking, too...does that make me a bad person? does that make me the argumentative-type? i'm Type A...A for ALWAYS RIGHT...that characteristic of me doesn't all of a sudden make me confrontational, now does it? i think not! i didn't argue with them...they were the ones arguing with me. HA! take that, you "not-going-to-an-ivy-league" common folk!).
we headed down to the Belmont area to catch the "Blue Man Group" (or what i called "the blue man goo"). in the words of Carrie from Sex and the City, "i couldn't help but wonder", was it the "blue-man group" or the "blue man-group"...a stirring enigma that will continue to boggle the minds of self-proclaimed genii (<---plural for genius-es) for centuries to come. i thought the performance was tight, but i was also a little drunker than the other two. there was one thing that i learned from the menage-trois of blue-men: they might be blue, but they're all pink on the inside. i took a picture with one of them after the show, and bapple licked a blue-man's face. it was soo sexy.
we stopped to eat like the natives at a Philly Cheese steak place (<---get it? aren't i clever? we were in CHICAGO and i ate a Philly...aka Philadelphia...cheese steak place? i'm just HILAAAAAAAARIOUS!). afterwards, we headed home, i bought a few lottery tickets, we all three got drunk off of coconut rum and triple-kissed the night away because my mom had left Chicago that morning, and left the hotel to us horney-folk. i learned one thing from that evening of drunken debauchery: "everything tastes like chicken".
SIDE NOTE: if i ever mention the phrase/collection of words "eat like the natives and/or locals", i am satirizing and making a literary jab and faniel wcislo. while on the Chicago band trip from 9th grade, we took a trip to navy pier, where faniel degradingly questioned my purchase of McDonald's french fries (or Freedom Fries) at the Navy Pier food court as he stuffed his face with an "o-so-local" Gyro. he said, quote: you have to eat like the natives, end quote...or something to that extent; and bapple and i have made fun of him behind his back for that comment, even to this day. i must step down from the "pedestal of culture" for faniel truly is a cultured, Chicago native. as for me, i'm just an uncultured chinese boy (who, not to mention, happens to be 18!)
Thursday: July 24, 2003
we had to wake up early this morning, because we were leaving the Hotel to move into Mike's (my brother's old high school bud) house out in Lincoln Park. he had met up with us before the Blue Man Group performance to give us the keys to his house. we checked out of the hotel, and dragged our luggage to the L to make our way out to his house. once again, we were somewhat lost, but once we found the house and moved in, we chilled and watched some episode of "Jenny Jones: My Teen is Wild and Out of Control!!" and caught a tidbit of Oprah in order to muster the strength to brave the streets of Chicago. after we jetted out, neenee and bapple dropped by a restaurant on Clark Street (or was it Fullerton...i don't remember) called Nosh. i thought it was jew food (like Noshville), but it turned out to be a pleasantly eclectic Gyro place. the man who owned the store was a HAIRRRRY ANIIIIMAL from the Island of Cypress, and he whipped up a to-die-for wrap (complete with "special sauce") for neenee and bapple. i didn't eat at all b/c i had finished a box of Pringles that morning. oddly enough, the hairy man who owned the store had remembered all three of us from the day before. while he was not the man we three slept with in the previous night's wild game of "tag teaming", he remembered us from the observation deck at the Sears Tower. isn't it a small world? but they didn't get a discount on the food, so it really didn't matter.
after the good eats, we two (neenee and i) began to get our SHOP on!! bapple, who initially had his shop on, eventually became the luggage bitch, who carried my fag bag (aka messenger bag) and neenee's shopping shit (THANKS, bapple. we owe you one!). we got a healthy dosage of the shopping provided at Belmont and Halstead streets. while i cannot remember what neenee exactly bought, i do remember that i picked up a pair of Tan KangaRoo's shoes (which happened to be featured in this month's edition of Teen Vogue). neenee's acquirement of material goods included many purses, dildos and skirts. we were referred by a lady at one of neenee's conquered shop-stops to head out to Buck Town, which had more trendy shops than the "upscale, yuppie" (as she called it) Armitage Avenue, which had initially been our second shopping stop. we went out to Buck Town, where we dropped off bapple at a Coffee Shop called "The Art Gallery Cafe", b/c he was all shopped out for the day. instead, he chilled by himself and read Cosmo, GQ, and Seventeen. it was quite warm that day, and neenee and i had trouble finding the shop spot.
SIDE NOTE: neenee has a back problem and got some drugs to cure the pain. unfortunately (but i guess fortunate to her), the drugs make her a slutty drunk. so if she sounds out of character AT ALL throughout these passages, it is because of the pain medicine she takes for her back.
we finally found some cool places...tried on some shoes, skirts and prom dresses, but headed back to pick up bapple b/c we had a BLACK EYED PEAS concert to catch at the House of Blues! (inside joke: we bought backstage passes that Charles was supposed to give to us...he must have forgotten to give them to us, or something! silly him!) we caught the L, freshened up at Mike's crib, and got to the House of Blues at 7:20 pm...a good 10 mins before the doors opened.
WELL...the doors opened at 8:00 pm...and the show started at 9:00 pm with BEP's (short for Black Eyed Peas) opening act, "The J Davis Trio". which ABSOLUTELY BLEW...as in IT SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY SHPIEL ON THE J DAVIS TRIO: the trio consisted of FOUR (...hence the "trio") men...all dressed in suits. the lead singer, named Stewart, was BLACK. first of all, black people do not name their children Stewart. all the background beats, riffs, and layers were the same...and Stewart’s unfree-freestyling could not be understood. there was a bass player, drummer, and bassist. Stewart danced like a white-boy, bobbing his head back and forth, while bouncing his knees to the beat. he accompanied his band by playing the xylophone, triangle, tuning forks, and maracas (not simultaneously). THE EXPERIENCE WAS HORRIBLE!! THEY WENT THROUGH THEIR ENTIRE ALBUM. WE ALL WANTED TO DIE.
SIDE NOTE: speaking of people who play instruments simultaneously, we saw a pan handler who, get this, played the violin, guitar, sang/whistled, and tapped ALL AT THE SAME TIME. while it is a stunning visual to imagine, we three saw it FIRST HAND! ha!
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: i went to the restroom, and there was a "bathroom concierge" (you know...the guy who sits there, with bottles of cologne/fragrances, matches and paper towels, to help the guys freshen up after takin a D...i forget what you call them. if you know the correct name, please post on my tag board or comment at the bottom of the entry!) so anyway...this man, who spoke very little English, said: "did you drink a lot? *laughs* that's what i say...you know. D. P. you know? get it? D and P? that's what i say, drink and piss. the men drink and then they have to piss. D P. D P. drink and piss. *laughs hysterically*" let's just say, i quickly washed by hands and jetted the hell out of that bathroom.
BEP ended up coming out around 10:45 pm...like 3-4 hours after we had gotten to the House of Blues. THEY ROCKED THE HOUSE!! it was awesome. bapple and i did Fergie (the woman singer) up the A. she was hot stuff. i got real crunk...they rocked!! EVERYONE SHOULD GO SEE THEM! but bapple and neenee noticed that they lied on the part where they said they were "free styling" b/c they did the same thing when they were in nashvegas--HAHA! caught you B.E.P...caught you red handed!!
after the concert, we grabbed a bite to eat at some Greek place in the Lincoln Park area, where bapple got mad at me. the argument(s) went a little something like this:
ROUND 1
Bapple: I LOOVE GREEK FOOD.
Me: wait. how can you say that if you only eat gyros?
ROUND 2
Me with disgusted look on face, looking at bapple as he shovels in the gyro, licking his fingers and making a mess...ripping the gyro in half and taking alternate bites on each side.
Me: *in the words of Leah from the RW: Paris concerning CT* you repuhhhlse me. you eat like a Neanderthal.
So...basically, we argued b/c i made fun of bapple for questioning his love of Greek food, and for the look of disgust on my face caused by his lack of food-eating neatness. i call it lack of manners/etiquette...but bapple just calls me an asshole. to bapple: i'm sorry you cannot eat right. i will pray for you.
we walked back to mike's, but while bapple was on the phone with Hotza, neenee and i were captivated by a 4 girl group posse. the leader of the pack had little ass and strutted down the street like she owned the place. the three girls following her were UGLIER THAN DOGS and had matching chinese-word tattoos on their backs. we ended up missing the street we were supposed to turn on b/c these girls had us under their spell.
back at mike's, we f-ed, stewing and churning in one another’s' bodily broths, until we fell asleep.
SIDE NOTE: mike's house was a beautiful loft in Lincoln park. he had antique furniture and well-groomed carpets. what we REALLY noticed was what he DIDN'T have: he didn't have any clean utensils (e.g. silverware, plate ware), no working microwave, no sheets, no TOWELS (we had to use old shirts to dry ourselves), no pillows, no blankets, NO NOTHING. i slept on the floor with some couch spread i acquired, folding it in half like a taco over me, and sleeping with the couch cushion as my pillow. neenee slept on the couch in nothing but a crotch-less thong, and bapple slept on a mini-self inflating mattress (the kind you take with you when you go camping) and a used sheet. it, too, "repuhhhlsed" me...but at least we had a free place to stay!!
Friday: July 25, 2003
Alas...thinking that we were going to take a trip to Greek Town or Little Italy or something cool to make it up to bapple for forcing him to shop with us ALL DAY LONG the previous day, we ended up, surprisingly enough, GOING SHOPPING.
receiving a text message from lil' E regarding the restaurant in which David (cast member of "The Real World: Chicago" and producer of the hit single: "Shwee-da-boo-shwee-da-boo-dee...come on be my baby tonite..."), we made a trip to a restaurant called, Ed Debevic's . they're motto is "good food, fresh service". it's a 50s style restaurant, where you tip the waiters based on how rude/mean they are to you. it's all in good fun, but our waitress, named Pixie (not to be mistaken with Sweetie), wasn't really that mean to us. we found out from her that David from RW: Chicago had been fired. *sniffles* we left the restaurant disappointed. we had not only planned on seeing David, but also on being bitched at and slapped around...but the rudest thing the waitress did was throw our straws at us. *blows nose* she just wasn't mean enough.
after this sad event, we perked ourselves up with some good ol' fashion money spendin'! we hit up some more shopping districts on Oak Street and Michigan Avenue: "The Magnificent Mile". on the way, we checked out Urban Outfitters, Prada...and my favorite store, DIESEL!!!, to name a few. bapple bought a new Louis Vuitton Purse and 2 leather, prada jackets. we checked out Water Tower Place...the Shops at 900 N. Michigan...Nordstrom’s...Oilily...Lucky Brand...The Gap (which is still plain and boring)...Bloomingdale's...Filene's Basement...we checked out EVERYWHERE and THEN SOME...while, bapple, of course, ran away to read books and check out free porn at Border's. neenee acquired more dildos...i got a pair of $50-on-sale Diesel jeans from Filene's Basement, and a pair of Diesel shoes (as my b-day present from bapple and nee *my thanks go out to you two*) from Bloomingdale's! i love them ("them" as in the shoes)!
that evening, we ended up eating at some place called Joey Buona's (also called "Joey Budafuco's" by us youngins'), where we got HUGE ASS entrees. all three of use needed doggy-style doggy bags. we decided to eat there b/c we got a coupon on the street for a free desert. because the restaurant served food family style, their deserts were extra HUGE. we pulled a fast one on the waitress...while i was in the restroom, neenee and bapple told the waitress that it was my birthday, and the waitress informed them that i would get a giant ice-cream sundae for the occasion. as soon as i got back to our table, i gave her the free-desert-coupon. at the end of the meal, she not only gave us a FREE GIGANTIC chocolate hunk of cake for the coupon, but we also got a big-birthday-sundae (and a few b-day spankings from our waitress). haha- joke's on her!
we made our way back to mike's house, our arms full of shopping bags, new clothes, and leftovers. planning on not being distracted by any girls like we did last time, we ended up missing our street again because some man walking in front of us kept turning around and staring at me for no reason. the staring man turned on the street we were supposed to get onto, but because we were so perplexed by the man's infatuation with me, we passed the street. we ended up walking a block too far down before we realized we missed the turn...so we back tracked and made it home.
SIDE NOTE:
while walking down a busy street, some scary, old panhandling lady (who looked like the "tuppence a bag" woman from Mary Poppins), said *in the voice of that possessed girl from the exorcist* "It's Past your BEDTIME BIITTCH!!" it scared the hell out of me. i had to change diapers after that one.
Mike got back home around 2 am after playing some volleyball at the beach, and we told him about our trip to Ed Debevic's. he told us that the restaurant had toned it down a WHOLE lot b/c they wanted to be more of a "fun for the family" style restaurant instead of a rude, shit hole. he told us that if we REALLY wanted mean service, that we should head out to "The Wiener Circle", which was only a few blocks from his house. apparently, things there were REALLY rank. he said that there are always huge lines and crowds, but if you just walk to the front and cuss the shit out of them, they'll give you your food. we had to check the place out.
so we were off on our adventure. i had recognized the restaurant from earlier in the morning. in front of the building was a billboard with an innocent circle and a hot-dog painted on it, and the words "Home of the Cheddar Charbroiled Burger" posted. when you walked in...things were a little different. in the middle of the kiosk stood a white man wearing a greasy shirt with the cash register in front of him. behind him were grills, vats of oil, etc...and surrounding him were 7 black girls, each with her own distinctive characteristic: one wore sunglasses (which was odd b/c it was 3 in the morning), another had gold teeth (aka teef), another wore a wig, one was chewin' on a straw, one had weave, they all had tig ol' bitties, and their names included: ChiTown, Tijuana, Red, and Shameeka Rush...as you can tell, things were really ghetto. i was greeted by one girl with a pony tail flopped on the side of her head with "whatchyoo wanna order, BITCH?" i ordered, got my food, and neenee, bapple, and me watched as the hoards of drunken white people walked in. here is a hypothetical, compilation of scenes we witnessed b/w the black girls and a drunk white men.
Act I, Scene I
Drunk white man in business suit stumbles in.
Black girl(s): whatchyoo want, CRACKah?
Man: *screaming at the top of his lungs..so loudly that his voice is raspy* LOOK BITCH, I WANT A FUCKING CHOCOLATE SHAKE, FRIES AND A HOT DOG WITH PUSSY JUICE ALL OVER IT. TIJUANA, YOU START ON MY FRIES YOU CHEAP HOE. SHAMEEKA, I WANTCHYOO TO SHAKE 'DEM TITTIES AT ME. SHAKE THEM ALL OVER.
Black girl(s): SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHITE TRASH. YOU NEED TO GO FUCK YOURSELF, STUPID FAGGOT.
Man: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, BITCH. SHAKE THEM TITTIES ALL OVER MY CHOCOLATE SHAKE. I WANT PUSSYJUICE ALL OVER MY DOG. YOU KEEP ON WORKIN ON 'DEM FRIES, TIJUANA. I WANT MY FOOD NOW, YOU DUMB BITCHES! I'LL GIVE YOU TWENTY DOLLARS TO SUCK YOUR TITTIES!!
Black girl(s): okay, BITCH
*one girl comes out from the back, flashes her breasts, stuffs the man's face in them, and grabs the bill out of his hand.*
Black girl(s):now, GET OUT OF HERE, MOTHA FUCKAH!
Act I, Scene II
Dorky business man walks in
Man: Give me a...uhh...hot dog and three fucking drinks, STAT!
(you could tell he was a total dork. who the hell says "stat"?)
One fat guy ordered and paid for his food, but never got it b/c he was blocking the line and shouting "SHAKE 'DEM TITTIES!!" too much. i think that the drive behind Wiener Circle is the white man's innate desire to order black women around, and the black woman's innate desire to fuck with the white man. it was funny to see the people who ordered were yuppie, white men, dressed in nice clothes, cursing like sailors to get their food. Wiener Circle is an excuse for men to get pissed and let out all their anger on women they don't even know. it was quite an experience. they weren't mean to me. i wish they were, b/c i would've wailed on them...but i wasn't drunk...and wasn't angry...and they weren't mean enough to me to piss me off. if only tenisha odom or renee wills worked there...*dreams*
we tried making a trek down to Lincoln Park's beach, but it was dark...and scary...full of bums...so we went back home.
SIDE NOTE: speaking of titties...one time, while in the Big Easy and walking down Bourbon Street, i was shielding lil' E's not so lil' titties from public view, due to the graphic and low V-neck cut of her attire. while doing this, a drunk man proceeded to say, "YOU LIKE TOUCHIN' 'DEM TITTIES, EH?" to which i replied, "FACK YOU!!!" well, in reality, i said nothing...but the memory is still one that both lil' E and i hold dearly.
Saturday: July 26, 2003
Woe is we...this was technically our last "day" in the city of Chi-town...and the day was quite a bore, too. Mike said he was gonna wake us up to go eat at "Frances' Diner" for breakfast. unfortunately, he was too afraid to wake us up b/c we looked like such sweet angels in our slumbers...we ended up waking up late and getting out of the house around 1 pm. we went to eat at Frances' anyway, where i had a lunch full of jew food: i got Matzo Ball soup and Potato Pancakes with apple sauce (REAL apple sauce...not bapple sauce) and sour cream (real sour cream...not that stuff that oozes from neenee's...). i had tons of left overs, so we went back to Mikes to drop off our food. afterwards, we went down to the Lincoln Park beach. we coasted, barefooted, next to the disgusting water and viewed the lovely city skyline. i ended up falling asleep on this little dock we were sitting at...they woke me up b/c neenee felt like she was burning, and we made our way to an L station to go out to Belmont, so neenee could get her ears/clit/nipples pierced (she was inspired by 'Nisha Odom, MLK c/o '03). on the way there, we were drawn into more trendy shopping stops on Clark, Belmont and Halstead.
everything, as far as night life goes, is 21 and up in Chicago...it's a big ol' drinking town. but luckily (as if it was by fate) i picked up a flyer for the FIRST 18 and UP DJ venue we had seen all week. it was at some place called the "Bottom Lounge". i was totally pumped for it!! since neenee and bapple were just tired, we went back to mike's and gave each other head, and took naps. we went to the "Bottom Lounge" where the ID Checker looked at me and said: "this is an 18 and up show." i said, "cool". he said "its 18 and up". i said "neat". he said "you're not 18." i said "what's the DATE, BITCH!?" he realized he was wrong, felt stupid, and let us in. too bad, the place wasn't hoppin...yet. in an attempt to kill time, we found some chinese restaurant to eat. bapple got his panties all in a wad when he ordered something wrong, and got something he didn’t' want to eat, and ended up blaming all of the mishaps on our chinese waiter. bapple is very smart...very educated...very kind...never blames anyone else but himself. actually, he tipped the waiter jack, saying that it was the waiter's fault instead of realized that he, himself, had ordered the wrong thing.
Later on that night:
NEENEE vs. BAPPLE: Showdown of a Lifetime
for further details, contact, bapple and/or neenee for information as to how bapple pissed neenee off and found himself in the dog house with RW: Paris's CT.
here's a one word clue: chauvinism
back at the club, things were pumpin...more people (and by people, i mean two, gay European boys in high waters, dancing like they're watching a Tae Bo video) were in the club. i wasn't really feeling the DJ at the moment, so we three sat down. it wasn't until the featured DJ (DJ McBride...or something like that) that neenee and i got real crunk and busted nuts and moves all over the dance floor. bapple just sat in a seat, drank water, and got hit on by a man...
Sunday: July 27, 2003
...we went back home around 3 am in the morning. we had planned on sleeping and waking up later on for the 8:00 am flight in the morning...but realized it made more sense just to leave the house, and sleep in the airport...just in case there were delays on the L or something scary like it.
MAN OH MAN was it a good thing we left early.
we started packing (packing our clothes...not fudge packing) and by 4:15 am, we had left the house... i was confident that getting to Midway was gonna be ten times easier than our 12-block-walk-trip to our hotel, due to the fact that we knew the L system so well. so we made our way to the L, took the Red line to Lake in order to transfer to Orange line to Midway. little did we know...as soon as we got off the stop, a Public Transit Lady told us that the Orange line was closed until 7:10 am (it takes 45 mins to get to Midway airport via L...so we were screwed).
we were all out of cash, and it was like 4:30 in the morning!! luckily, there was a Dunkin' Donuts, where bapple and neenee withdrew some cash and bapple got fat off of two donuts and low fat milk (as if the low fat milk would make up for the high fat donuts). so anywhoo, we planned on taking a cab for like 50 bucks to Midway, but we had JUST passed a bus going towards Midway. we looked at the stop of the bus that we just missed, and realized that it had an "overnight to midway" ride that we could take...we waited for another bus to come...we waited, and waited...the night slowly turned into day...finally @ 5:45, another bus came. we climbed on...and all was good...that's what we thought at least.
a night time security officer on his way home on the bus with us told us that we would have to take the Cicero stop, walk to another Bus Stop that would take us to Midway, where we would get on this bridge-like thing over the major road so that we could get to the airport and all would be fine and dandy. well, we got to the Cicero stop, and by 6:30 am (our flight is at 8:00 mind you!), we got to the second Bus Stop that was SUPPOSED to take us to Midway...we, of course, found out that the bus only operated "late mornings and early evenings" on Sundays...so once again, we were screwed. we wanted to take a cab, but none of the cabs would stop b/c all of them were full of people on their way to Midway. SOO...we started to walk...and walk...my damn luggage wheel broke...so i had to drag super hard as i walked...about 3 quarters of a mile down, we saw the big bridge-like thing that was supposed to take us over the major street and into the airport....but ALAS, the doors to it were CLOSED!! ahh!! we walked and walked and walked...FINALLY getting to the airport's exit doors...but there was one problem. there was a huge-ass road between us and the airport's doors. so we hiked up our luggage, and climbed over walls, ran across the street, climbed on the median in the middle of the road, crossed the other side of the street, and finally jumped over a ledge to get to the baggage claim section of the airport. *sigh of relief* we had to back track through the baggage claim section to the ticket claim area...
...by 7:00 am we were in the line to get our tickets...
...by 7:15 we were in the security line...
...by 7:30 we were on our way to the terminal...
...and by 7:50 we were boarding the plane to come home...
SHOO WEE!! i was sooo glad that we made it.
in the plane, bapple met some aspiring rapper, who was hitting on the 40 year old flight attendant, and made bapple listen to his own, self-produced rap CD about "bitches" and "titties". IM bapple for more details.
AND WITH THAT...i'm out, bitches. i have more to say about Sunday's days events...but i'll have to hit ya'll up about that later.
i'm off...and off...AND AWAY!!!!
anyway, i was initially scared to update, but i have SOO much random shit to post...but alas, i shall try and catch up before the GREAT RAPTURE...and then nothing will be accomplished then, now will it?
...i'm taking you back...back in time to...:
Monday: July 21, 2003
so i wake up in the morning with neenee's red, honda civic waiting outside for me with bapple in the front seat. we head out to neenee's HOT MILF's (short for Mom I'd Like to Fuck) office, where i realized that i had everything i needed...except for my plane confirmation ticket! haha- silly me! so i had to print out a ticket from MILF's computer in her office, and we all headed out to the big-ass-nashvegas AIRPORT...BABY!
the flight was really bumpy and pissed the shit out of me...probably the worst flight i have ever been on. F you, SOUTHWEST! realizing that the airport people didn't even look at my ticket confirmation, i got it out to review...realizing that i had printed out my confirmation for the flight that takes me to New Haven...not Chicago...once again...silly me!!
we finally get to good ol' chitown, where we catch the L to go to my mom's hotel @ the Marriott Courtyard on E. Hubbard Street. easily enough, E. Hubbard just happened to be right off an L-stop and close to Michigan Avenue (a major street with tons and tons of SHOPPING!). looking at a map, i was like "ok...we'll just transfer off the Orange line from Midway, and get onto the line that will take us to Grand...little did i know that there were TWO Grand stops (one on Blue line and one on Red line). FUCK ME. we ended up on the Blue Line's Grand stop, which was a good 12 block trek from our hotel....we walked and walked and walked...but that wasn't even the end of it, b/c NO ONE KNEW WHERE THE FUCK E. HUBBARD WAS!!
Chicago, apparently, has, what looks like, two floors. much like a two-story house, you can find flights of steps that take you downstairs to an unimaginable nether region...where you seem to be right under the city. well, that's where E. Hubbard was...it was, relatively speaking, downstairs on the first floor of Chicago, and that's why we couldn't find the damn ass street.
bapple and i, of course, fought over the right way to go. and by the time we made it to the hotel, we were in a totally heated argument that ended with us, cursing our brains out in the middle of the hotel lobby, and concluded with us having hot, steamy, make-up shower sex with neenee watching in the corner...yess...
that night, we went out to Navy Pier where we rode this big Ferris Wheel (not to be confused with neenee's cooch), and we chilled at the dock for a while. waiting for the free trolley to take us home from the Pier, we witnessed a large array of gnats attacking the public, and got some restaurant names from a local (yea...a local, just like faniel wcislo...a true Chicago native--PAH!). we looked for the places the local had told us to eat dinner, but ended up at a popular restaurant called BUCCA DI BEPPO (an upscale version of The Olive Garden)!!! the fat-ass waitress was amazed to hear that we had not heard of Bucca di Beppo. as soon as the food got out, we fed one another Manicotti, flirted with the hottie waitress and took pictures with neenee's camera phone. when it was all said and done, we walked back to the hotel, in order to participate in a night full of shmoozing, snoozing, and fellatio-ozing. (well, not really. my mom was in the room...not that we would have done that if my mom were not in the room).
Tuesday: July 22, 2003
*sing with me*: HAPPY MY B-DAY to me!! Happy B Day to me!!! Happy B Day to me~!!! Happy B Day to me!!! *stop singing*
i can barely even remember what happened on this day...but i do remember that it was my birthday! apparently, neenee and bapple noticed that i talked in my sleep. *weird*. after waking up, we three...kings of orient are, bearing gifts we traverse afar---woah woah woah...sorry about that. we three (no christmas hymnals this time) looked for an L-stop, so that we could make our way out to Museum Campus with all the...uhh...you guessed it...MUSEUMS. we popped out the map, where a black man named Charles "helped" us find our way.
long story short (to make the short story long, contact neenee, bapple, or me for further details)...we got a little side tracked, our new best friend Charles took us on a mini-tour of Chicago, and...one hour and 105 bucks later...we were finally on the L on our way to the initial destination: MUSEUM CAMPUS. when we got there, we had to choose between the Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, and Adler Planetarium (also called the Sarah Adler Planetarium), and we ended up going to Sarah's Planetarium. the field museum looked the same from the last time we went (remember? ninth grade...nola with no pants and erich in full drag...BAND TRIP BABY!), and the Shedd Aquarium had a long ass line, so we just went to the Planetarium...which was O SO interesting. let's just say, bapple and neenee got quite a few power naps during the theatrical presentations. i, however, learned much about the stars, planets and the universe (can't you tell i'm the smart one of the bunch?).
but, alas, stars are only so interesting. and being in a gigantic, theatre-esque dome with pictures of stars and galaxies on the ceilings does not help to make anything about astronomy cooler. yes...the dome itself is cool...but not that cool...DO NOT BE FOOLED!
after it was all said and *done* (<--referring to bapple and the hot 56 year old planetarium worker-lady), we walked around the area, cruising for fresh meat, and enjoying the gorgeous weather and amazing city-scape of CHI-town. we later hitch-hiked our asses on a free trolley, that took us to the L stop that took us back to the hotel so that we could meet up with my MUM! all of us were off to CHINATOWN for my b-day party lunch/dinner thing. i was looking forward to eating DIM SUM, (which is not to be mistaken with a middle-aged chinese prostitute)...Dim Sum, is, in fact...well, dammit, i don't feel like explaining it to all you dumbass western folk. take your lazy ass and read about it here . unfortunately, they didn't serve Dim Sum at the time that we went, and my mom just had to order her own thang. the dinner was yummy, but full of TOFU b/c neenee only eats vegetables and cock. we walked around chinatown, gazing at the fine-asian-pootenanny and looking for oriental-girly-porn (yeah- i know...sick, isn't it? neenee really needs to control her satiation for chinky teeny boppers). after buying cheap shit in chinatown, neenee, bapple, and i went to the hotel to "freshen up" ("the girls there have bad after tastes," says bapple) and we went to Fuckingham Bountain...i mean, Buckingham Fountain where we watched the ejaculation of large amounts of water into the sky with Carmen Dragon's arrangement of "America the Beautiful" playing in the background *sniffles*. reminds me of Nola and Erich...speaking of which, at that moment, neenee called good ol' Nola and told her how the ejaculation of water (in addition to the music that we had played in band) reminded us of her. bapple started crying because he had lost jonathan ashley jarrell's number, and was, therefore, unable to call him for free phone sex.
after the lovely display of hydro-jaculations, we took my ripe-fresh-for-the-pickin'-18-year-old-ass to some XXX naughty stores in "Boystown", where we talked to "STHHEEEVE" and were "STHUUPER! THANKSTH FOR ASTHKING!! ...and after we were all spent, we went back to the hotel and got our XXXs and ZZZs.
Wednesday: July 23, 2003
i think we slept in this day, b/c of all the previous late night tomfoolery. my mom had given me this $25 Dollar certificate, and lucky for us, we were all cravin' a bit of Thai (thai food. had neenee and bapple craved Thai-sex, they would've hit me up). we checked out "Vong's Thai Kitchen", which was good, but the waitress was a total BITCH and we ended up calling the place "Vong's Thai BITCHES!!". mwahahaha....aren't we clever? we waited about 30 minutes for little pinky sized desserts that you only see on TV, when they are trying to make fun of the upscale restaurants that only provide you with miniature foods for hundreds of dollars...little did we know that at Vong's (short for Rodney Vongchamchan) Thai Kitchen, the miniature foods were, indeed, a reality.
after eating and bitching about our bia-bia-waitress, we took a free trolley to The Art Institute of Chicago, where i got off to naked, stone, structures of Grecian women. we later trekked up to the Sears Tower Observation Deck...which cost us an arm and a leg to see a dumb-ass pre-observation-deck movie, a quick ride in an elevator, and a bird's eye view of the city. the city was beautiful and clear that day...it was tons better than the John Hand-Cock Tower (which we saw in 9th grade on the Band Trip...the site of the first "friendship club" picture, which included, me, Esther, meg, Christi, ANDERSON *HOT HOT HOT* MAYFIELD, and Elliot Hard(on)away). after getting all "sky-decked" out, neenee and i argued on the way back home about "me not being aware of my surroundings enough" or some crazy bullshit. and like the argument i had with bapple, the tryst ended with hot and steamy make up sex and the strong revelation that i cause all the arguments between the three of us (which makes sense, but isn't as literal as it sounds...i'm just opinionated, that's all...and better than everyone in the world...smarter, and better-looking, too...does that make me a bad person? does that make me the argumentative-type? i'm Type A...A for ALWAYS RIGHT...that characteristic of me doesn't all of a sudden make me confrontational, now does it? i think not! i didn't argue with them...they were the ones arguing with me. HA! take that, you "not-going-to-an-ivy-league" common folk!).
we headed down to the Belmont area to catch the "Blue Man Group" (or what i called "the blue man goo"). in the words of Carrie from Sex and the City, "i couldn't help but wonder", was it the "blue-man group" or the "blue man-group"...a stirring enigma that will continue to boggle the minds of self-proclaimed genii (<---plural for genius-es) for centuries to come. i thought the performance was tight, but i was also a little drunker than the other two. there was one thing that i learned from the menage-trois of blue-men: they might be blue, but they're all pink on the inside. i took a picture with one of them after the show, and bapple licked a blue-man's face. it was soo sexy.
we stopped to eat like the natives at a Philly Cheese steak place (<---get it? aren't i clever? we were in CHICAGO and i ate a Philly...aka Philadelphia...cheese steak place? i'm just HILAAAAAAAARIOUS!). afterwards, we headed home, i bought a few lottery tickets, we all three got drunk off of coconut rum and triple-kissed the night away because my mom had left Chicago that morning, and left the hotel to us horney-folk. i learned one thing from that evening of drunken debauchery: "everything tastes like chicken".
SIDE NOTE: if i ever mention the phrase/collection of words "eat like the natives and/or locals", i am satirizing and making a literary jab and faniel wcislo. while on the Chicago band trip from 9th grade, we took a trip to navy pier, where faniel degradingly questioned my purchase of McDonald's french fries (or Freedom Fries) at the Navy Pier food court as he stuffed his face with an "o-so-local" Gyro. he said, quote: you have to eat like the natives, end quote...or something to that extent; and bapple and i have made fun of him behind his back for that comment, even to this day. i must step down from the "pedestal of culture" for faniel truly is a cultured, Chicago native. as for me, i'm just an uncultured chinese boy (who, not to mention, happens to be 18!)
Thursday: July 24, 2003
we had to wake up early this morning, because we were leaving the Hotel to move into Mike's (my brother's old high school bud) house out in Lincoln Park. he had met up with us before the Blue Man Group performance to give us the keys to his house. we checked out of the hotel, and dragged our luggage to the L to make our way out to his house. once again, we were somewhat lost, but once we found the house and moved in, we chilled and watched some episode of "Jenny Jones: My Teen is Wild and Out of Control!!" and caught a tidbit of Oprah in order to muster the strength to brave the streets of Chicago. after we jetted out, neenee and bapple dropped by a restaurant on Clark Street (or was it Fullerton...i don't remember) called Nosh. i thought it was jew food (like Noshville), but it turned out to be a pleasantly eclectic Gyro place. the man who owned the store was a HAIRRRRY ANIIIIMAL from the Island of Cypress, and he whipped up a to-die-for wrap (complete with "special sauce") for neenee and bapple. i didn't eat at all b/c i had finished a box of Pringles that morning. oddly enough, the hairy man who owned the store had remembered all three of us from the day before. while he was not the man we three slept with in the previous night's wild game of "tag teaming", he remembered us from the observation deck at the Sears Tower. isn't it a small world? but they didn't get a discount on the food, so it really didn't matter.
after the good eats, we two (neenee and i) began to get our SHOP on!! bapple, who initially had his shop on, eventually became the luggage bitch, who carried my fag bag (aka messenger bag) and neenee's shopping shit (THANKS, bapple. we owe you one!). we got a healthy dosage of the shopping provided at Belmont and Halstead streets. while i cannot remember what neenee exactly bought, i do remember that i picked up a pair of Tan KangaRoo's shoes (which happened to be featured in this month's edition of Teen Vogue). neenee's acquirement of material goods included many purses, dildos and skirts. we were referred by a lady at one of neenee's conquered shop-stops to head out to Buck Town, which had more trendy shops than the "upscale, yuppie" (as she called it) Armitage Avenue, which had initially been our second shopping stop. we went out to Buck Town, where we dropped off bapple at a Coffee Shop called "The Art Gallery Cafe", b/c he was all shopped out for the day. instead, he chilled by himself and read Cosmo, GQ, and Seventeen. it was quite warm that day, and neenee and i had trouble finding the shop spot.
SIDE NOTE: neenee has a back problem and got some drugs to cure the pain. unfortunately (but i guess fortunate to her), the drugs make her a slutty drunk. so if she sounds out of character AT ALL throughout these passages, it is because of the pain medicine she takes for her back.
we finally found some cool places...tried on some shoes, skirts and prom dresses, but headed back to pick up bapple b/c we had a BLACK EYED PEAS concert to catch at the House of Blues! (inside joke: we bought backstage passes that Charles was supposed to give to us...he must have forgotten to give them to us, or something! silly him!) we caught the L, freshened up at Mike's crib, and got to the House of Blues at 7:20 pm...a good 10 mins before the doors opened.
WELL...the doors opened at 8:00 pm...and the show started at 9:00 pm with BEP's (short for Black Eyed Peas) opening act, "The J Davis Trio". which ABSOLUTELY BLEW...as in IT SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MY SHPIEL ON THE J DAVIS TRIO: the trio consisted of FOUR (...hence the "trio") men...all dressed in suits. the lead singer, named Stewart, was BLACK. first of all, black people do not name their children Stewart. all the background beats, riffs, and layers were the same...and Stewart’s unfree-freestyling could not be understood. there was a bass player, drummer, and bassist. Stewart danced like a white-boy, bobbing his head back and forth, while bouncing his knees to the beat. he accompanied his band by playing the xylophone, triangle, tuning forks, and maracas (not simultaneously). THE EXPERIENCE WAS HORRIBLE!! THEY WENT THROUGH THEIR ENTIRE ALBUM. WE ALL WANTED TO DIE.
SIDE NOTE: speaking of people who play instruments simultaneously, we saw a pan handler who, get this, played the violin, guitar, sang/whistled, and tapped ALL AT THE SAME TIME. while it is a stunning visual to imagine, we three saw it FIRST HAND! ha!
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: i went to the restroom, and there was a "bathroom concierge" (you know...the guy who sits there, with bottles of cologne/fragrances, matches and paper towels, to help the guys freshen up after takin a D...i forget what you call them. if you know the correct name, please post on my tag board or comment at the bottom of the entry!) so anyway...this man, who spoke very little English, said: "did you drink a lot? *laughs* that's what i say...you know. D. P. you know? get it? D and P? that's what i say, drink and piss. the men drink and then they have to piss. D P. D P. drink and piss. *laughs hysterically*" let's just say, i quickly washed by hands and jetted the hell out of that bathroom.
BEP ended up coming out around 10:45 pm...like 3-4 hours after we had gotten to the House of Blues. THEY ROCKED THE HOUSE!! it was awesome. bapple and i did Fergie (the woman singer) up the A. she was hot stuff. i got real crunk...they rocked!! EVERYONE SHOULD GO SEE THEM! but bapple and neenee noticed that they lied on the part where they said they were "free styling" b/c they did the same thing when they were in nashvegas--HAHA! caught you B.E.P...caught you red handed!!
after the concert, we grabbed a bite to eat at some Greek place in the Lincoln Park area, where bapple got mad at me. the argument(s) went a little something like this:
ROUND 1
Bapple: I LOOVE GREEK FOOD.
Me: wait. how can you say that if you only eat gyros?
ROUND 2
Me with disgusted look on face, looking at bapple as he shovels in the gyro, licking his fingers and making a mess...ripping the gyro in half and taking alternate bites on each side.
Me: *in the words of Leah from the RW: Paris concerning CT* you repuhhhlse me. you eat like a Neanderthal.
So...basically, we argued b/c i made fun of bapple for questioning his love of Greek food, and for the look of disgust on my face caused by his lack of food-eating neatness. i call it lack of manners/etiquette...but bapple just calls me an asshole. to bapple: i'm sorry you cannot eat right. i will pray for you.
we walked back to mike's, but while bapple was on the phone with Hotza, neenee and i were captivated by a 4 girl group posse. the leader of the pack had little ass and strutted down the street like she owned the place. the three girls following her were UGLIER THAN DOGS and had matching chinese-word tattoos on their backs. we ended up missing the street we were supposed to turn on b/c these girls had us under their spell.
back at mike's, we f-ed, stewing and churning in one another’s' bodily broths, until we fell asleep.
SIDE NOTE: mike's house was a beautiful loft in Lincoln park. he had antique furniture and well-groomed carpets. what we REALLY noticed was what he DIDN'T have: he didn't have any clean utensils (e.g. silverware, plate ware), no working microwave, no sheets, no TOWELS (we had to use old shirts to dry ourselves), no pillows, no blankets, NO NOTHING. i slept on the floor with some couch spread i acquired, folding it in half like a taco over me, and sleeping with the couch cushion as my pillow. neenee slept on the couch in nothing but a crotch-less thong, and bapple slept on a mini-self inflating mattress (the kind you take with you when you go camping) and a used sheet. it, too, "repuhhhlsed" me...but at least we had a free place to stay!!
Friday: July 25, 2003
Alas...thinking that we were going to take a trip to Greek Town or Little Italy or something cool to make it up to bapple for forcing him to shop with us ALL DAY LONG the previous day, we ended up, surprisingly enough, GOING SHOPPING.
receiving a text message from lil' E regarding the restaurant in which David (cast member of "The Real World: Chicago" and producer of the hit single: "Shwee-da-boo-shwee-da-boo-dee...come on be my baby tonite..."), we made a trip to a restaurant called, Ed Debevic's . they're motto is "good food, fresh service". it's a 50s style restaurant, where you tip the waiters based on how rude/mean they are to you. it's all in good fun, but our waitress, named Pixie (not to be mistaken with Sweetie), wasn't really that mean to us. we found out from her that David from RW: Chicago had been fired. *sniffles* we left the restaurant disappointed. we had not only planned on seeing David, but also on being bitched at and slapped around...but the rudest thing the waitress did was throw our straws at us. *blows nose* she just wasn't mean enough.
after this sad event, we perked ourselves up with some good ol' fashion money spendin'! we hit up some more shopping districts on Oak Street and Michigan Avenue: "The Magnificent Mile". on the way, we checked out Urban Outfitters, Prada...and my favorite store, DIESEL!!!, to name a few. bapple bought a new Louis Vuitton Purse and 2 leather, prada jackets. we checked out Water Tower Place...the Shops at 900 N. Michigan...Nordstrom’s...Oilily...Lucky Brand...The Gap (which is still plain and boring)...Bloomingdale's...Filene's Basement...we checked out EVERYWHERE and THEN SOME...while, bapple, of course, ran away to read books and check out free porn at Border's. neenee acquired more dildos...i got a pair of $50-on-sale Diesel jeans from Filene's Basement, and a pair of Diesel shoes (as my b-day present from bapple and nee *my thanks go out to you two*) from Bloomingdale's! i love them ("them" as in the shoes)!
that evening, we ended up eating at some place called Joey Buona's (also called "Joey Budafuco's" by us youngins'), where we got HUGE ASS entrees. all three of use needed doggy-style doggy bags. we decided to eat there b/c we got a coupon on the street for a free desert. because the restaurant served food family style, their deserts were extra HUGE. we pulled a fast one on the waitress...while i was in the restroom, neenee and bapple told the waitress that it was my birthday, and the waitress informed them that i would get a giant ice-cream sundae for the occasion. as soon as i got back to our table, i gave her the free-desert-coupon. at the end of the meal, she not only gave us a FREE GIGANTIC chocolate hunk of cake for the coupon, but we also got a big-birthday-sundae (and a few b-day spankings from our waitress). haha- joke's on her!
we made our way back to mike's house, our arms full of shopping bags, new clothes, and leftovers. planning on not being distracted by any girls like we did last time, we ended up missing our street again because some man walking in front of us kept turning around and staring at me for no reason. the staring man turned on the street we were supposed to get onto, but because we were so perplexed by the man's infatuation with me, we passed the street. we ended up walking a block too far down before we realized we missed the turn...so we back tracked and made it home.
SIDE NOTE:
while walking down a busy street, some scary, old panhandling lady (who looked like the "tuppence a bag" woman from Mary Poppins), said *in the voice of that possessed girl from the exorcist* "It's Past your BEDTIME BIITTCH!!" it scared the hell out of me. i had to change diapers after that one.
Mike got back home around 2 am after playing some volleyball at the beach, and we told him about our trip to Ed Debevic's. he told us that the restaurant had toned it down a WHOLE lot b/c they wanted to be more of a "fun for the family" style restaurant instead of a rude, shit hole. he told us that if we REALLY wanted mean service, that we should head out to "The Wiener Circle", which was only a few blocks from his house. apparently, things there were REALLY rank. he said that there are always huge lines and crowds, but if you just walk to the front and cuss the shit out of them, they'll give you your food. we had to check the place out.
so we were off on our adventure. i had recognized the restaurant from earlier in the morning. in front of the building was a billboard with an innocent circle and a hot-dog painted on it, and the words "Home of the Cheddar Charbroiled Burger" posted. when you walked in...things were a little different. in the middle of the kiosk stood a white man wearing a greasy shirt with the cash register in front of him. behind him were grills, vats of oil, etc...and surrounding him were 7 black girls, each with her own distinctive characteristic: one wore sunglasses (which was odd b/c it was 3 in the morning), another had gold teeth (aka teef), another wore a wig, one was chewin' on a straw, one had weave, they all had tig ol' bitties, and their names included: ChiTown, Tijuana, Red, and Shameeka Rush...as you can tell, things were really ghetto. i was greeted by one girl with a pony tail flopped on the side of her head with "whatchyoo wanna order, BITCH?" i ordered, got my food, and neenee, bapple, and me watched as the hoards of drunken white people walked in. here is a hypothetical, compilation of scenes we witnessed b/w the black girls and a drunk white men.
Act I, Scene I
Drunk white man in business suit stumbles in.
Black girl(s): whatchyoo want, CRACKah?
Man: *screaming at the top of his lungs..so loudly that his voice is raspy* LOOK BITCH, I WANT A FUCKING CHOCOLATE SHAKE, FRIES AND A HOT DOG WITH PUSSY JUICE ALL OVER IT. TIJUANA, YOU START ON MY FRIES YOU CHEAP HOE. SHAMEEKA, I WANTCHYOO TO SHAKE 'DEM TITTIES AT ME. SHAKE THEM ALL OVER.
Black girl(s): SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHITE TRASH. YOU NEED TO GO FUCK YOURSELF, STUPID FAGGOT.
Man: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, BITCH. SHAKE THEM TITTIES ALL OVER MY CHOCOLATE SHAKE. I WANT PUSSYJUICE ALL OVER MY DOG. YOU KEEP ON WORKIN ON 'DEM FRIES, TIJUANA. I WANT MY FOOD NOW, YOU DUMB BITCHES! I'LL GIVE YOU TWENTY DOLLARS TO SUCK YOUR TITTIES!!
Black girl(s): okay, BITCH
*one girl comes out from the back, flashes her breasts, stuffs the man's face in them, and grabs the bill out of his hand.*
Black girl(s):now, GET OUT OF HERE, MOTHA FUCKAH!
Act I, Scene II
Dorky business man walks in
Man: Give me a...uhh...hot dog and three fucking drinks, STAT!
(you could tell he was a total dork. who the hell says "stat"?)
One fat guy ordered and paid for his food, but never got it b/c he was blocking the line and shouting "SHAKE 'DEM TITTIES!!" too much. i think that the drive behind Wiener Circle is the white man's innate desire to order black women around, and the black woman's innate desire to fuck with the white man. it was funny to see the people who ordered were yuppie, white men, dressed in nice clothes, cursing like sailors to get their food. Wiener Circle is an excuse for men to get pissed and let out all their anger on women they don't even know. it was quite an experience. they weren't mean to me. i wish they were, b/c i would've wailed on them...but i wasn't drunk...and wasn't angry...and they weren't mean enough to me to piss me off. if only tenisha odom or renee wills worked there...*dreams*
we tried making a trek down to Lincoln Park's beach, but it was dark...and scary...full of bums...so we went back home.
SIDE NOTE: speaking of titties...one time, while in the Big Easy and walking down Bourbon Street, i was shielding lil' E's not so lil' titties from public view, due to the graphic and low V-neck cut of her attire. while doing this, a drunk man proceeded to say, "YOU LIKE TOUCHIN' 'DEM TITTIES, EH?" to which i replied, "FACK YOU!!!" well, in reality, i said nothing...but the memory is still one that both lil' E and i hold dearly.
Saturday: July 26, 2003
Woe is we...this was technically our last "day" in the city of Chi-town...and the day was quite a bore, too. Mike said he was gonna wake us up to go eat at "Frances' Diner" for breakfast. unfortunately, he was too afraid to wake us up b/c we looked like such sweet angels in our slumbers...we ended up waking up late and getting out of the house around 1 pm. we went to eat at Frances' anyway, where i had a lunch full of jew food: i got Matzo Ball soup and Potato Pancakes with apple sauce (REAL apple sauce...not bapple sauce) and sour cream (real sour cream...not that stuff that oozes from neenee's...). i had tons of left overs, so we went back to Mikes to drop off our food. afterwards, we went down to the Lincoln Park beach. we coasted, barefooted, next to the disgusting water and viewed the lovely city skyline. i ended up falling asleep on this little dock we were sitting at...they woke me up b/c neenee felt like she was burning, and we made our way to an L station to go out to Belmont, so neenee could get her ears/clit/nipples pierced (she was inspired by 'Nisha Odom, MLK c/o '03). on the way there, we were drawn into more trendy shopping stops on Clark, Belmont and Halstead.
everything, as far as night life goes, is 21 and up in Chicago...it's a big ol' drinking town. but luckily (as if it was by fate) i picked up a flyer for the FIRST 18 and UP DJ venue we had seen all week. it was at some place called the "Bottom Lounge". i was totally pumped for it!! since neenee and bapple were just tired, we went back to mike's and gave each other head, and took naps. we went to the "Bottom Lounge" where the ID Checker looked at me and said: "this is an 18 and up show." i said, "cool". he said "its 18 and up". i said "neat". he said "you're not 18." i said "what's the DATE, BITCH!?" he realized he was wrong, felt stupid, and let us in. too bad, the place wasn't hoppin...yet. in an attempt to kill time, we found some chinese restaurant to eat. bapple got his panties all in a wad when he ordered something wrong, and got something he didn’t' want to eat, and ended up blaming all of the mishaps on our chinese waiter. bapple is very smart...very educated...very kind...never blames anyone else but himself. actually, he tipped the waiter jack, saying that it was the waiter's fault instead of realized that he, himself, had ordered the wrong thing.
Later on that night:
NEENEE vs. BAPPLE: Showdown of a Lifetime
for further details, contact, bapple and/or neenee for information as to how bapple pissed neenee off and found himself in the dog house with RW: Paris's CT.
here's a one word clue: chauvinism
back at the club, things were pumpin...more people (and by people, i mean two, gay European boys in high waters, dancing like they're watching a Tae Bo video) were in the club. i wasn't really feeling the DJ at the moment, so we three sat down. it wasn't until the featured DJ (DJ McBride...or something like that) that neenee and i got real crunk and busted nuts and moves all over the dance floor. bapple just sat in a seat, drank water, and got hit on by a man...
Sunday: July 27, 2003
...we went back home around 3 am in the morning. we had planned on sleeping and waking up later on for the 8:00 am flight in the morning...but realized it made more sense just to leave the house, and sleep in the airport...just in case there were delays on the L or something scary like it.
MAN OH MAN was it a good thing we left early.
we started packing (packing our clothes...not fudge packing) and by 4:15 am, we had left the house... i was confident that getting to Midway was gonna be ten times easier than our 12-block-walk-trip to our hotel, due to the fact that we knew the L system so well. so we made our way to the L, took the Red line to Lake in order to transfer to Orange line to Midway. little did we know...as soon as we got off the stop, a Public Transit Lady told us that the Orange line was closed until 7:10 am (it takes 45 mins to get to Midway airport via L...so we were screwed).
we were all out of cash, and it was like 4:30 in the morning!! luckily, there was a Dunkin' Donuts, where bapple and neenee withdrew some cash and bapple got fat off of two donuts and low fat milk (as if the low fat milk would make up for the high fat donuts). so anywhoo, we planned on taking a cab for like 50 bucks to Midway, but we had JUST passed a bus going towards Midway. we looked at the stop of the bus that we just missed, and realized that it had an "overnight to midway" ride that we could take...we waited for another bus to come...we waited, and waited...the night slowly turned into day...finally @ 5:45, another bus came. we climbed on...and all was good...that's what we thought at least.
a night time security officer on his way home on the bus with us told us that we would have to take the Cicero stop, walk to another Bus Stop that would take us to Midway, where we would get on this bridge-like thing over the major road so that we could get to the airport and all would be fine and dandy. well, we got to the Cicero stop, and by 6:30 am (our flight is at 8:00 mind you!), we got to the second Bus Stop that was SUPPOSED to take us to Midway...we, of course, found out that the bus only operated "late mornings and early evenings" on Sundays...so once again, we were screwed. we wanted to take a cab, but none of the cabs would stop b/c all of them were full of people on their way to Midway. SOO...we started to walk...and walk...my damn luggage wheel broke...so i had to drag super hard as i walked...about 3 quarters of a mile down, we saw the big bridge-like thing that was supposed to take us over the major street and into the airport....but ALAS, the doors to it were CLOSED!! ahh!! we walked and walked and walked...FINALLY getting to the airport's exit doors...but there was one problem. there was a huge-ass road between us and the airport's doors. so we hiked up our luggage, and climbed over walls, ran across the street, climbed on the median in the middle of the road, crossed the other side of the street, and finally jumped over a ledge to get to the baggage claim section of the airport. *sigh of relief* we had to back track through the baggage claim section to the ticket claim area...
...by 7:00 am we were in the line to get our tickets...
...by 7:15 we were in the security line...
...by 7:30 we were on our way to the terminal...
...and by 7:50 we were boarding the plane to come home...
SHOO WEE!! i was sooo glad that we made it.
in the plane, bapple met some aspiring rapper, who was hitting on the 40 year old flight attendant, and made bapple listen to his own, self-produced rap CD about "bitches" and "titties". IM bapple for more details.
AND WITH THAT...i'm out, bitches. i have more to say about Sunday's days events...but i'll have to hit ya'll up about that later.
i'm off...and off...AND AWAY!!!!
posted by Joe @ 8:12 PM
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