A FEW GOOD SNL TRANSCRIPTS
sorry i've been out. here are some things to keep you entertained.
Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy
Charlie.....Charlie Sheen
Fleisy.....Rachel Dratch
Announcer: And now, the Saturday Night Live preservation Society presents Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy.
[ Charlie and Fleisy take the stage ]
Charlie: Hello, Fleisy, how are you?
Fleisy: I'm doing alright!
Charlie: Good. Now, Fleisy, you're a whore, aren't you?
Fleisy: Yeah! [ spotlight shines upon her crotch ]
Charlie: Well, I was thinking maybe I'd like to patronize some of the whores who work on your corner.
Fleisy: Well, I gotta warn you, nowadays whores have very peculiar names.
Charlie: Funny names?
Fleisy: Nicknames. Example: on the corner where I work, Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don't Know takes it in the kiester.
Charlie: That's what I want to find out.
Fleisy: I told you! Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don't Know takes it in the kiester.
Charlie: Do you know the whore's name?
Fleisy: Hell, yeah!
Charlie: Well, then, who does oral?
Fleisy: That's right!
Charlie: The whore that does oral.
Fleisy: Who.
Charlie: I'm asking you.
Fleisy: And I'm telling you.
Charlie: Look, what's the name of the whore that does oral?
Fleisy: No! What uses her hand.
Charlie: I'm not asking you who uses her hand.
Fleisy: Who does oral.
Charlie: I don't know.
Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester!
Charlie: Look, after I get oral, who gets the money?
Fleisy: Every dollar of it.
Charlie: Who does?
Fleisy: That's right. And why not? The bitch deserves it!
Charlie: Who deserves it?
Fleisy: Naturally.
Charlie: Okay. So Naturally does oral?
Fleisy: No, no, no. Who does oral.
Charlie: Naturally?
Fleisy: You got it!
Charlie: So.. Naturally does oral?
Fleisy: No. Who does oral.
Charlie: Look, what's the name of the whore that does oral?
Fleisy: No, What uses her hand!
Charlie: I don't know.
Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester.
Charlie: Again, I'm back to the kiester. Okay, when I get oral, who makes me climax?
Fleisy: She'd better!
Charlie: Who'd better?
Fleisy: If she wants to get paid!
Charlie: If who wants to get paid?
Fleisy: That's right!
Charlie: [ thinking ] Look.. do you have a pimp?
Fleisy: Of course! A fine bunch of whores we'd be without a pimp!
Charlie: The pimp's name?
Fleisy: Why.
Charlie: I just thought I'd ask you.
Fleisy: And I just thought I'd tell you.
Charlie: Then, tell me who's the pimp.
Fleisy: No, Who does oral.
Charlie: I don't know.
Together: She takes it in the kiester!
Charlie: Okay, look. Let's say I want to have an orgy. Who's doing oral, what's using her hand, and I don't know takes it in the kiester. Now, when it's all over, why comes in to collect the money.
Fleisy: That's the first thing you've said right!
Charlie: I don't even know what I'm talking about! And, you know what? I don't give a damn!
Fleisy: Oh, he's my crack dealer!
[ they bow, the curtains close ]
DynaCorp
Announcer.....Chris Parnell
.....Jessica Simpson
Porky.....Will Forte [ open on footage of Jessica Simpson concert ending ]
[ dissolve to Jessica running backstage ]
Announcer: Hey, Jessica - great concert!
Jessica Simpson: [ toweling off ] Thanks!
Announcer: Looks like you worked up quite an appeite out there!
Jessica Simpson: Did.. I.. ever! That's why, after every show, I reach for a can of Chicken of the Sea brand tuna! [ holds up can ] Everyone knows that Chicken of the Sea is tuna, but what you might not know is that tuna is fish, not chicken. So, look for the can with the mermaid on the label! Chicken of the Sea brand tuna - America's #1 non-chicken brand fish!
Announcer: But.. what if you wanted tuna that is chicken?
Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] Huh..?
Announcer: If you like Chicken of the Sea brand tuna, then you'll love new Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken!
[ the can is handed to Jessica ]
Jessica Simpson: [ examining the can ] Tuna of the.. Dirt..?
Announcer: Yep! Tuna of the Dirt is 100% top-grade tuna-free canned chicken!
Jessica Simpson: Hmm.. so, wait.. is it tuna or not?
Announcer: Oh, it's tuna alright - Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken! So, when you're sure you don't want fish, grab the only chicken good enough to be called tuna - Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken. Look for the chicken with the cowboy on the label!
Jessica Simpson: Wait! I'm confused! Why is a.. a cowboy on this chicken can holding a fish pole?
Announcer: Well, because he's fishing around for quality chicken! Tuna of the Dirt - the chicken with the fishing cowboy on the label. In the tuna section of your supermarket!
Jessica Simpson: This is so confusing! I think I'm just going to eat a piece of fruit.
Announcer: Then, you're in luck! Becuase if you're looking for fruit that's every bit as good as our chicken and tuna, then you'll want Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas!
[ the can is handed to Jessica ]
Jessica Simpson: Wait.. stop. Turkey of the Jungle?
Announcer: That's right. Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas. From the makers of Chicken of the Sea brand tuna, and Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken. If fish grew on treees, they'd be Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas!
Jessica Simpson: Thid is ha-ard!
Announcer: Nothing hard about it. Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas can be found in the chicken aisle, right next to Pork of the Orchard brand apples.
[ the can is handed to Jessica ]
Announcer: Pork of the Orchard brand apples. Look for the apples with the picture of a turkey on the can!
Jessica Simpson: [ greatly confused ] Uh.. uh.. so, if the apples.. have a turkey on the can.. then.. what does.. what does the can have with the bananas?
Announcer: Why, that would be the Turkey of the Jungle mascot - Porky, the Scubadiving Chicken! And Porky says:
[ Porky, a scubadiving chicken mascot, waddles up to Jessica ] Porky: [ singing ]
"If you want fruit, not fish nor fowl
Turkey of the Jungle makes this chicken howl!"
Owwwwwww! This turkey is good bananas!
[ Porky waddles off ]
Jessica Simpson: Please stop.. my head hurts..
Announcer: Ohhhh.. then, you need Chicken of the Medicine Cabinet - the turkey-flavored aspirin that comes in a tuna can.
[ the can is handed to Jessica ]
Jessica Simpson: No!
Announcer: Chicken of the Medicine Cabinet brand turkey-flavored aspirin. Look for the tuna can with the chicken can on the label!
[ Jessica appears exasperated, as the camera pans over to a table full of DynaCorp products ]
[ dissolve to phony product labels ]
Announcer: DynaCorp. Bringing you everything from Chicken of Sea brand tuna, to Shoepolish of the Outhouse brand typing paper. DynaCorp. The Kangaroo Rat of the Billiard Room.
[ fade ]
Debbie Downer
Waiter.....Kenan Thompson
Brother 1.....Fred Armisen
Brother 2.....Jimmy Fallon
Debbie Downer.....Rachel Dratch
Dad.....Horatio Sanz
Sister 1.....Lindsay Lohan
Sister 2.....Amy Poehler [ open on exterior, outdoor parade at Disneyland ]
[ dissolve to interior, Mickey's Breakfast Jamboree, as Waiter approaches the McKusick family ]
Waiter: Good morning! Welcome to the Mickey's Breakfast Jamboree! My name is Billiam, and I'll be serving you today. You guys here on a special occasion?
Brother 1: Well, we're here on that new Magical Gatherings family package. We've got the McKusick clan down from Ohio - right, guys? Say Hi!
Family: Hiiiii!!!!
Waiter: Well, great. Let me tell you Mickey's specials today - we've got steak and eggs, served with some home fries and Mickey waffles.
Brother 2: [ excited ] Whoo-oooo! I loves me some Steak and Eggs!
Debbie Downer: Ever since they found Mad Cow Disease in the U.S., I'm not taking any chances. It can live in your body for years, before it ravages your brain.
[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face ]
[ dissolve to jingle montage ]
Jingle:
"You're enjoying your day, everything's gonig your way
Then, along comes Debbie Downer!
Always there to tell you about a new disease
A car accident or killer bees.
You'll beg her to spare you, "Debbie, please."
But you can't stop Debbie Downer!"
[ zoom on Debbie's sad face ]
[ dissolve back to the family gathering ]
Dad: We did it, gang! We pulled it off! A family reunion at Disney! I don't know about you guys, but the first I'm gonna do is ride that haunted elevator thingie! [ laughs ] It drops you straight down!
Sister 1: This is my dream come true! I mean, I'm totally serious! Tigger hugged me at the door, and I thought I was gonna cry!
Sister 2: Awww..
Debbie Downer: [ sullenly ] I guess Roy isn't doing as well as I first thought..
Sister 2: What? Who's Roy?
Debbie Downer: Roy? Of Siegfried and Roy? He was attacked by his own tiger and suffered devestating injuries.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face ]
Brother 1: So, uh.. hey! Who wants to go on Space Mountain with me?
Family: Me!! Me!! Me!!
Sister 1: I want to see the Country Bear Jamboree!
Sister 2: I want to go to every country in Epcot, and greet them in their own native language! "Hola!" "Konnichiwa!" "Hi!"
Debbie Downer: Do you guys care about that train explosion in North Korea?
[ drunken trombone sound effect; Jimmy Fallon starts to crack up ]
Debbie Downer: The media is so sensitive there.. so secretive --
[ Rachel Dratch begins to crack up with Jimmy Fallon ]
Debbie Downer: -- that they may never know how many people perished.
[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch's crumbling willpower ]
Waiter: Who's ready for Mickey waffles!
Family: Oh, me! Me, me, me!!
Sister 1: Oh.. my.. God! I just made eye contact with Pluto! And he's coming over here!
Brother 1: Pluto! Pluto!
[ guy in a Pluto costume comes over to hug Sister 1 ]
Sister 1: Oh, my God, oh, my God! I'm hugging Pluto! I'm at Disneyworld, and I'm hugging Pluto! Somebody take a picture!
[ everyone crowds around to be in the photo, as Debbie takes the picture with her camera ]
Debbie Downer: Wow, you guys, Disneyworld really is fun, it makes me feel like a kid again. I mean, the time before my two-year stint at Children's.
[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face as she takes the picture ]
[ everyone tries desperately not to crack up, as Pluto comes over ot hug Debbie ]
Debbie Downer: Oh.. hey.. hey, Pluto, hi. Boy.. it must be fun to work here.. although, the biggest drawback to working in a theme park is that you must live in constant fear of deadly terrorist attacks.
[ the jovial Pluto stops being so jovial, its tongue hanging out rather sad and pitiful in light of Debbie's statement ]
[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch's crumbling willpower ]
[ Pluto runs off ]
Brother 1: Pluto.. Pluto, wait, where are you going?
Debbie Downer: With that costume on, he's probably under the early stages of heatstroke.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face, Rachel Dratch covering her face with her hand as she loses it completely ]
Debbie Downer: Speaking of -- [ cracks up ] Speaking of --
[ Rachel and amy are both cracking up on camera at this point ]
Debbie Downer: Speaking of heat.. if this greenhouse effect keeps up, we'll all be living underwater.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face; Rachel Dratch tries to hold her breath to keep from cracking up, but it doesn't work ]
Debbie Downer: By the way -- [ cracks up ] By the way, it's official -- [ pauses extensively to hold in her laughter ] I can't have children.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face; Rachel Dratch laughing while eating waffles, Jimmy Fallon covering his face with his hands, everyone laughing hysterically except for a sly grin from Fred Armisen ]
Sister 1: Okay. You know what, Debbie? [ stands ] You are totally ruining my trip to Disne -- [ crakcs up in the middle of her anger ] I didn't say a word during It's A Small World, when you talked about low birth weight! Or, during the fireworks when you went on -- [ cracks up again, composes herself quickly ] When you when on and on about feline AIDS!
Debbie Downer: It's the number one killer of domestic cats.
[ meowing sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face ]
[ Sister 1 runs away from the scene in a huff ]
Debbie Downer: So, after this, we'll head to the park, guys? [ cracks up ] Lather up the sunscreen. I had a mole looked at recently, and the doctor told me that, due tothe extent of its irregular borders, I'm flirting with a melanoma.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face; Rachel Dratch again tring to hold her breath to keep from cracking up ]
[ everyone abruptly leaves the table ]
Debbie Downer: You guys go ahead. I'll meet you at my favorite ride - the Hall of Presidents.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Jingle: "But you can't stop Debbie Downer!"
debbie Downer: They never did catch that anthrax guy.
[ fade ]
Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy
Charlie.....Charlie Sheen
Fleisy.....Rachel Dratch
Announcer: And now, the Saturday Night Live preservation Society presents Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy.
[ Charlie and Fleisy take the stage ]
Charlie: Hello, Fleisy, how are you?
Fleisy: I'm doing alright!
Charlie: Good. Now, Fleisy, you're a whore, aren't you?
Fleisy: Yeah! [ spotlight shines upon her crotch ]
Charlie: Well, I was thinking maybe I'd like to patronize some of the whores who work on your corner.
Fleisy: Well, I gotta warn you, nowadays whores have very peculiar names.
Charlie: Funny names?
Fleisy: Nicknames. Example: on the corner where I work, Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don't Know takes it in the kiester.
Charlie: That's what I want to find out.
Fleisy: I told you! Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don't Know takes it in the kiester.
Charlie: Do you know the whore's name?
Fleisy: Hell, yeah!
Charlie: Well, then, who does oral?
Fleisy: That's right!
Charlie: The whore that does oral.
Fleisy: Who.
Charlie: I'm asking you.
Fleisy: And I'm telling you.
Charlie: Look, what's the name of the whore that does oral?
Fleisy: No! What uses her hand.
Charlie: I'm not asking you who uses her hand.
Fleisy: Who does oral.
Charlie: I don't know.
Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester!
Charlie: Look, after I get oral, who gets the money?
Fleisy: Every dollar of it.
Charlie: Who does?
Fleisy: That's right. And why not? The bitch deserves it!
Charlie: Who deserves it?
Fleisy: Naturally.
Charlie: Okay. So Naturally does oral?
Fleisy: No, no, no. Who does oral.
Charlie: Naturally?
Fleisy: You got it!
Charlie: So.. Naturally does oral?
Fleisy: No. Who does oral.
Charlie: Look, what's the name of the whore that does oral?
Fleisy: No, What uses her hand!
Charlie: I don't know.
Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester.
Charlie: Again, I'm back to the kiester. Okay, when I get oral, who makes me climax?
Fleisy: She'd better!
Charlie: Who'd better?
Fleisy: If she wants to get paid!
Charlie: If who wants to get paid?
Fleisy: That's right!
Charlie: [ thinking ] Look.. do you have a pimp?
Fleisy: Of course! A fine bunch of whores we'd be without a pimp!
Charlie: The pimp's name?
Fleisy: Why.
Charlie: I just thought I'd ask you.
Fleisy: And I just thought I'd tell you.
Charlie: Then, tell me who's the pimp.
Fleisy: No, Who does oral.
Charlie: I don't know.
Together: She takes it in the kiester!
Charlie: Okay, look. Let's say I want to have an orgy. Who's doing oral, what's using her hand, and I don't know takes it in the kiester. Now, when it's all over, why comes in to collect the money.
Fleisy: That's the first thing you've said right!
Charlie: I don't even know what I'm talking about! And, you know what? I don't give a damn!
Fleisy: Oh, he's my crack dealer!
[ they bow, the curtains close ]
DynaCorp
Announcer.....Chris Parnell
.....Jessica Simpson
Porky.....Will Forte [ open on footage of Jessica Simpson concert ending ]
[ dissolve to Jessica running backstage ]
Announcer: Hey, Jessica - great concert!
Jessica Simpson: [ toweling off ] Thanks!
Announcer: Looks like you worked up quite an appeite out there!
Jessica Simpson: Did.. I.. ever! That's why, after every show, I reach for a can of Chicken of the Sea brand tuna! [ holds up can ] Everyone knows that Chicken of the Sea is tuna, but what you might not know is that tuna is fish, not chicken. So, look for the can with the mermaid on the label! Chicken of the Sea brand tuna - America's #1 non-chicken brand fish!
Announcer: But.. what if you wanted tuna that is chicken?
Jessica Simpson: [ confused ] Huh..?
Announcer: If you like Chicken of the Sea brand tuna, then you'll love new Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken!
[ the can is handed to Jessica ]
Jessica Simpson: [ examining the can ] Tuna of the.. Dirt..?
Announcer: Yep! Tuna of the Dirt is 100% top-grade tuna-free canned chicken!
Jessica Simpson: Hmm.. so, wait.. is it tuna or not?
Announcer: Oh, it's tuna alright - Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken! So, when you're sure you don't want fish, grab the only chicken good enough to be called tuna - Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken. Look for the chicken with the cowboy on the label!
Jessica Simpson: Wait! I'm confused! Why is a.. a cowboy on this chicken can holding a fish pole?
Announcer: Well, because he's fishing around for quality chicken! Tuna of the Dirt - the chicken with the fishing cowboy on the label. In the tuna section of your supermarket!
Jessica Simpson: This is so confusing! I think I'm just going to eat a piece of fruit.
Announcer: Then, you're in luck! Becuase if you're looking for fruit that's every bit as good as our chicken and tuna, then you'll want Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas!
[ the can is handed to Jessica ]
Jessica Simpson: Wait.. stop. Turkey of the Jungle?
Announcer: That's right. Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas. From the makers of Chicken of the Sea brand tuna, and Tuna of the Dirt brand chicken. If fish grew on treees, they'd be Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas!
Jessica Simpson: Thid is ha-ard!
Announcer: Nothing hard about it. Turkey of the Jungle brand bananas can be found in the chicken aisle, right next to Pork of the Orchard brand apples.
[ the can is handed to Jessica ]
Announcer: Pork of the Orchard brand apples. Look for the apples with the picture of a turkey on the can!
Jessica Simpson: [ greatly confused ] Uh.. uh.. so, if the apples.. have a turkey on the can.. then.. what does.. what does the can have with the bananas?
Announcer: Why, that would be the Turkey of the Jungle mascot - Porky, the Scubadiving Chicken! And Porky says:
[ Porky, a scubadiving chicken mascot, waddles up to Jessica ] Porky: [ singing ]
"If you want fruit, not fish nor fowl
Turkey of the Jungle makes this chicken howl!"
Owwwwwww! This turkey is good bananas!
[ Porky waddles off ]
Jessica Simpson: Please stop.. my head hurts..
Announcer: Ohhhh.. then, you need Chicken of the Medicine Cabinet - the turkey-flavored aspirin that comes in a tuna can.
[ the can is handed to Jessica ]
Jessica Simpson: No!
Announcer: Chicken of the Medicine Cabinet brand turkey-flavored aspirin. Look for the tuna can with the chicken can on the label!
[ Jessica appears exasperated, as the camera pans over to a table full of DynaCorp products ]
[ dissolve to phony product labels ]
Announcer: DynaCorp. Bringing you everything from Chicken of Sea brand tuna, to Shoepolish of the Outhouse brand typing paper. DynaCorp. The Kangaroo Rat of the Billiard Room.
[ fade ]
Debbie Downer
Waiter.....Kenan Thompson
Brother 1.....Fred Armisen
Brother 2.....Jimmy Fallon
Debbie Downer.....Rachel Dratch
Dad.....Horatio Sanz
Sister 1.....Lindsay Lohan
Sister 2.....Amy Poehler [ open on exterior, outdoor parade at Disneyland ]
[ dissolve to interior, Mickey's Breakfast Jamboree, as Waiter approaches the McKusick family ]
Waiter: Good morning! Welcome to the Mickey's Breakfast Jamboree! My name is Billiam, and I'll be serving you today. You guys here on a special occasion?
Brother 1: Well, we're here on that new Magical Gatherings family package. We've got the McKusick clan down from Ohio - right, guys? Say Hi!
Family: Hiiiii!!!!
Waiter: Well, great. Let me tell you Mickey's specials today - we've got steak and eggs, served with some home fries and Mickey waffles.
Brother 2: [ excited ] Whoo-oooo! I loves me some Steak and Eggs!
Debbie Downer: Ever since they found Mad Cow Disease in the U.S., I'm not taking any chances. It can live in your body for years, before it ravages your brain.
[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face ]
[ dissolve to jingle montage ]
Jingle:
"You're enjoying your day, everything's gonig your way
Then, along comes Debbie Downer!
Always there to tell you about a new disease
A car accident or killer bees.
You'll beg her to spare you, "Debbie, please."
But you can't stop Debbie Downer!"
[ zoom on Debbie's sad face ]
[ dissolve back to the family gathering ]
Dad: We did it, gang! We pulled it off! A family reunion at Disney! I don't know about you guys, but the first I'm gonna do is ride that haunted elevator thingie! [ laughs ] It drops you straight down!
Sister 1: This is my dream come true! I mean, I'm totally serious! Tigger hugged me at the door, and I thought I was gonna cry!
Sister 2: Awww..
Debbie Downer: [ sullenly ] I guess Roy isn't doing as well as I first thought..
Sister 2: What? Who's Roy?
Debbie Downer: Roy? Of Siegfried and Roy? He was attacked by his own tiger and suffered devestating injuries.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face ]
Brother 1: So, uh.. hey! Who wants to go on Space Mountain with me?
Family: Me!! Me!! Me!!
Sister 1: I want to see the Country Bear Jamboree!
Sister 2: I want to go to every country in Epcot, and greet them in their own native language! "Hola!" "Konnichiwa!" "Hi!"
Debbie Downer: Do you guys care about that train explosion in North Korea?
[ drunken trombone sound effect; Jimmy Fallon starts to crack up ]
Debbie Downer: The media is so sensitive there.. so secretive --
[ Rachel Dratch begins to crack up with Jimmy Fallon ]
Debbie Downer: -- that they may never know how many people perished.
[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch's crumbling willpower ]
Waiter: Who's ready for Mickey waffles!
Family: Oh, me! Me, me, me!!
Sister 1: Oh.. my.. God! I just made eye contact with Pluto! And he's coming over here!
Brother 1: Pluto! Pluto!
[ guy in a Pluto costume comes over to hug Sister 1 ]
Sister 1: Oh, my God, oh, my God! I'm hugging Pluto! I'm at Disneyworld, and I'm hugging Pluto! Somebody take a picture!
[ everyone crowds around to be in the photo, as Debbie takes the picture with her camera ]
Debbie Downer: Wow, you guys, Disneyworld really is fun, it makes me feel like a kid again. I mean, the time before my two-year stint at Children's.
[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face as she takes the picture ]
[ everyone tries desperately not to crack up, as Pluto comes over ot hug Debbie ]
Debbie Downer: Oh.. hey.. hey, Pluto, hi. Boy.. it must be fun to work here.. although, the biggest drawback to working in a theme park is that you must live in constant fear of deadly terrorist attacks.
[ the jovial Pluto stops being so jovial, its tongue hanging out rather sad and pitiful in light of Debbie's statement ]
[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch's crumbling willpower ]
[ Pluto runs off ]
Brother 1: Pluto.. Pluto, wait, where are you going?
Debbie Downer: With that costume on, he's probably under the early stages of heatstroke.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face, Rachel Dratch covering her face with her hand as she loses it completely ]
Debbie Downer: Speaking of -- [ cracks up ] Speaking of --
[ Rachel and amy are both cracking up on camera at this point ]
Debbie Downer: Speaking of heat.. if this greenhouse effect keeps up, we'll all be living underwater.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face; Rachel Dratch tries to hold her breath to keep from cracking up, but it doesn't work ]
Debbie Downer: By the way -- [ cracks up ] By the way, it's official -- [ pauses extensively to hold in her laughter ] I can't have children.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face; Rachel Dratch laughing while eating waffles, Jimmy Fallon covering his face with his hands, everyone laughing hysterically except for a sly grin from Fred Armisen ]
Sister 1: Okay. You know what, Debbie? [ stands ] You are totally ruining my trip to Disne -- [ crakcs up in the middle of her anger ] I didn't say a word during It's A Small World, when you talked about low birth weight! Or, during the fireworks when you went on -- [ cracks up again, composes herself quickly ] When you when on and on about feline AIDS!
Debbie Downer: It's the number one killer of domestic cats.
[ meowing sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face ]
[ Sister 1 runs away from the scene in a huff ]
Debbie Downer: So, after this, we'll head to the park, guys? [ cracks up ] Lather up the sunscreen. I had a mole looked at recently, and the doctor told me that, due tothe extent of its irregular borders, I'm flirting with a melanoma.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face; Rachel Dratch again tring to hold her breath to keep from cracking up ]
[ everyone abruptly leaves the table ]
Debbie Downer: You guys go ahead. I'll meet you at my favorite ride - the Hall of Presidents.
[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie's comic distraught face ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
Jingle: "But you can't stop Debbie Downer!"
debbie Downer: They never did catch that anthrax guy.
[ fade ]
posted by Joe @ 9:39 PM
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