why me...WHY ME?!?!
feelin a little "nancy-kerrigan-inspired.
so i'm chillin in my room right now, like a cool kid...like most cool kids do on FRIDAY nights. isn't that special? i feel like i should be given a cookie of some sort. its been the first time i've stayed home on a weekend since i've been at Yale...isn't that weird? first time to say in on a friday night, EVER!! but i still bet there are plenty of kids who have NEVER stayed in on a friday night, or a weekend in general, so i don't feel so special anymore. i guess you take away that cookie you just gave me.
three words that really put my panties in a wad: loud, obnoxious drunkards. i don't know what it is. if i'm not intoxicated and everyone else is, i become really really boring/bitter/resentful/sleepy. i think it might be an attention thing...not that i WANT attention, but that there is so much electricity in the air when teens get drunk, that i am overwhelmed and subconsciously silenced. i think to myself, "why is everyone so excited?" then i realize its the alcohol talking. i just prefer one-on-one time more than one hundred-on-one hundred (though, a 100 person orgy, in theory, would be quite interesting, in a completely non-sexual platonic kind of way...) so yeah. thats my vice; my one (of many) fault(s): if i'm not having fun, i'll jettison from the crowd faster than a poop shoot in a space shuttle.
the sad part is that, when i depart, it's kind of anti-climactic. like i disappear, and its no big deal...i feel like i keep a good track of people...and if someone is leaving somewhere alone, i'm good about keeping up with them. i pretty familiar with what it feels like to leave someplace alone, and not have anyone follow you---i mean, we can all admit, it's not the best feeling in the world! when someone says "everything is okay", i know to never believe them. if everything was okay, they wouldn't be leaving.
*smallest violin in the world begins to play a sad sad song*
yea. i know. pity party for me; but hey! what are blogs for? i can't be funny all the time...and if i were, someone would probably shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and rip out my vocal chords. i think i just choose bad times to leave. i don't complain because others are having fun; the last thing i want to be is a party pooper. but i just want to be followed for once. take neenee or bookie for example, i'm always following...and i'm content with it, because i enjoy their company. but to others, it comes off as being a tagalong, which, in itself, is a bad feeling to have--to know that other people think of you as just a follower. this is definetely one of those more psychologically-induced problems (just like worrying about people talking about you behind your back), but it still gets bothersome.
i guess it'll be a good experience to sleep alone in the dorm tonite. even though i am sleepy, i feel like i am punishing myself...b/c i want to be with other people right now...and it doesn't feel good to be away from them. but its not like i am depressed. and besides, my depression on the relative scale of depression is NOTHING. me being depressed means that i want to sleep or eat or not talk or something really trivial...never really serious.
OK. i figured it out. here's whats weird about me: if i'm not having fun, and someone who's having fun asks, i say i'm having fun and that everything is okay...i'm being honest. everything is fine, BUT i'm not having fun. thats the only difference, and it really doesn't concern any one else but myself...if anyone asks if i need to talk or if everything is cool, i say everything is cool...b/c it is. so i don't know why i say i feel fine when i don't feel at my 100%. it's b/c i feel worse if i ruin someone else's evening. i guess thats what it is.
well, i should be off. au revoir!!
so i'm chillin in my room right now, like a cool kid...like most cool kids do on FRIDAY nights. isn't that special? i feel like i should be given a cookie of some sort. its been the first time i've stayed home on a weekend since i've been at Yale...isn't that weird? first time to say in on a friday night, EVER!! but i still bet there are plenty of kids who have NEVER stayed in on a friday night, or a weekend in general, so i don't feel so special anymore. i guess you take away that cookie you just gave me.
three words that really put my panties in a wad: loud, obnoxious drunkards. i don't know what it is. if i'm not intoxicated and everyone else is, i become really really boring/bitter/resentful/sleepy. i think it might be an attention thing...not that i WANT attention, but that there is so much electricity in the air when teens get drunk, that i am overwhelmed and subconsciously silenced. i think to myself, "why is everyone so excited?" then i realize its the alcohol talking. i just prefer one-on-one time more than one hundred-on-one hundred (though, a 100 person orgy, in theory, would be quite interesting, in a completely non-sexual platonic kind of way...) so yeah. thats my vice; my one (of many) fault(s): if i'm not having fun, i'll jettison from the crowd faster than a poop shoot in a space shuttle.
the sad part is that, when i depart, it's kind of anti-climactic. like i disappear, and its no big deal...i feel like i keep a good track of people...and if someone is leaving somewhere alone, i'm good about keeping up with them. i pretty familiar with what it feels like to leave someplace alone, and not have anyone follow you---i mean, we can all admit, it's not the best feeling in the world! when someone says "everything is okay", i know to never believe them. if everything was okay, they wouldn't be leaving.
*smallest violin in the world begins to play a sad sad song*
yea. i know. pity party for me; but hey! what are blogs for? i can't be funny all the time...and if i were, someone would probably shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and rip out my vocal chords. i think i just choose bad times to leave. i don't complain because others are having fun; the last thing i want to be is a party pooper. but i just want to be followed for once. take neenee or bookie for example, i'm always following...and i'm content with it, because i enjoy their company. but to others, it comes off as being a tagalong, which, in itself, is a bad feeling to have--to know that other people think of you as just a follower. this is definetely one of those more psychologically-induced problems (just like worrying about people talking about you behind your back), but it still gets bothersome.
i guess it'll be a good experience to sleep alone in the dorm tonite. even though i am sleepy, i feel like i am punishing myself...b/c i want to be with other people right now...and it doesn't feel good to be away from them. but its not like i am depressed. and besides, my depression on the relative scale of depression is NOTHING. me being depressed means that i want to sleep or eat or not talk or something really trivial...never really serious.
OK. i figured it out. here's whats weird about me: if i'm not having fun, and someone who's having fun asks, i say i'm having fun and that everything is okay...i'm being honest. everything is fine, BUT i'm not having fun. thats the only difference, and it really doesn't concern any one else but myself...if anyone asks if i need to talk or if everything is cool, i say everything is cool...b/c it is. so i don't know why i say i feel fine when i don't feel at my 100%. it's b/c i feel worse if i ruin someone else's evening. i guess thats what it is.
well, i should be off. au revoir!!
posted by Joe @ 8:53 PM
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